Hey everyone, it’s a new year. Did you notice?

Maybe you are one of those sprightly, chirpy folks who I read about on my Facebook feed as I lay in bed, squinting at my phone, willing myself to get out of bed. You know, the ones that are doing 5 mile runs at 5 am, running off to the gym before work, marveling over their new cold weather gear, and generally euphoric about their level of energy?

*yawn*

You know who you are.

Or, maybe you are like me. One of us who trudge through winter by oversleeping, fantasizing about warm weather, and getting by on a diet of coffee and beer. Yes, some of us see January as a cruel reminder that the holidays are over, snow is on its way, and WORSE,….

………………………another birthday looms on the calendar.

In my 30-something camp, birthday dread seems to be echoing all over the place (besides the cavern inside my own head).  I think it’s partly the reality of the New Year settling in for people. And that giant gong of reality is that much louder for those of us with birthdays early in the year.

What’s interesting? Of the friends that come to mind (all of whom are staring down birthdays in their mid-30s), the stage of life doesn’t seem to matter. I have married friends fretting about the timeline to have a baby. Coupled friends worrying over the timeline for getting engaged. And of course, single friends worrying about finding a partner before “time runs out.”

Why oh why do we put ourselves on a stop watch? Where does this come from?

I certainly can’t tackle every one of the fears that goes into these “anxiety clocks” but let me address the one that is most familiar to me –the “time is running out to find love” clock that plagues many single 30-something women.

As it turns out, I am not single but I know a thing or two about it…. So, right now I am stretching myself as tall as possible in my big-girl shoes, hands on hips, and using my best big-sister voice (that still only makes me about 5′3″). ……..Ready?

“You are still YOUNG and there is no deadline.”

Sit down. I’m not done yet. Let’s go through some of the age-fearing obstacles (or presumed obstacles) that I have been hearing from friends lately. I’d like to debunk them one by one..

Obstacle #1: I’ll Run out of Time to Have Kids

Firstly, you’re SURE you want kids, right? I’m just asking, cause we’re all susceptible to chasing after things we’re told we may not be able to have. Ok, ok, you do want kids. Well, let me remind you (and myself) that your biological clock is not the only act in town. It’s just not.

1. For one, there are oodles of treatments now that can prolong fertility well into the 40s. Don’t make me name them. That’s what Google is for.

2. I just met a couple in their 40s who couldn’t conceive and got donor eggs and sperm implanted. The wife is now having twins. She is carrying them but, genetically, they are not hers or her husbands. This is crazy sci-fi stuff but we’re living it now. In fact, it’s big business and it’s getting cheaper.

3. Adoption.

4. You may well meet a man who already has kids (widowed or divorced) and THEN you could be a part-time mom. Divorced moms, please don’t kill me but, is this not sorta genius? I mean if can’t decide to have a kid or not, why not get in on some part-time kid raising action?! Hey, it’s a LOT less responsibility and you get to become the evil archetype of step-mom (but seriously, I do find this sort of appealing, is it just me?)

Obstacle #2: Being Single is “Brutal”

This phrase is plucked straight from a recent email from a friend who described herself as “brutally single.”

Little sister, it is time to change your language and pronto! There is nothing brutal or even really “single” about you. I don’t say that to dismiss your loneliness but to change the way you perceive yourself. Because, honey, there are plenty of committed gals who would LOVE the kind of action that single girls like you get. The variety, the dinners out, the late nights, the exciting sex (if you choose to partake, let’s face it, the offers are there). I know that the frivolities of dating are no match for the warm security of a long-term relationship but, let’s not be so quick to overlook the perks, mm-kay?

Obstacle #3: I’m Unlovable.

Again, this is your brain leading you REALLY far astray. Get tough on that brain and make it fall in line, dammit!

You’ve already BEEN “loved like that.” And more than once . Love is not a “stop” button. You don’t find it and then coast into the sunset. Love comes in and out of your life –sometimes with the same person, sometimes with different people. You’ve had it. You will have it again. You already know that you are loveable. It’s already been proven.

Yes, a partnership brings enormous wealth and stability in your life. You’ve had some of that too, and certainly even more was offered to you. Maybe you weren’t always ready —whether that was your stage of life or the person IN your life. Either way, those opportunities will present themselves to you again. And you will appreciate it when you find it, just like I did. Going on your own awhile will help you value it when you choose to align your life with someone else’s –and take all the risks associated with intertwining your fates.

Obstacle #4: It will take “forever” to find love.

It won’t take forever but it might take a long time. Or it might happen on Tuesday. Love is not common. It sure isn’t. And there are a LOT of near misses out there which make it even harder to find the gems. But the gems are there and you get better at identifying them with age (usually!). You can’t predict when you’ll find it. You just have to keep looking. Make your search for love a big priority. Just make sure its not the only priority or you’ll be pinning your happiness to something that you cannot control. Just like once you HAVE a relationship, you need to balance it with other things because love does not dictate your happiness. It just compliments it.

There is no deadline for finding love. And there is no one person who fulfills it. Remove these two pressure-cooking ideas from your mind and the resulting relief you’ll feel is staggering. When you’re ready to cohabitate/marry/procreate, finding the right kind of person as your co-pilot is worth the wait. It’s so much better than fitting a square peg into a round hole just to beat your biological clock.

Wouldn’t you prefer to wait as long as it takes to find a deep, committed, complex, exciting, and challenging partner and go through whatever steps necessary to become parents rather than find someone now that will give you children but always cause you that wiggly little doubt?

Find the person who you want to be by your side at the end of a really crappy day when you shut all the doors and switch off the lights. The rest, as they say, will follow.

Meantime, enjoy all the other many things life has to offer –work, future planning, friends, travel, dating, and the occasional fling –so many other sources of love. You will thank yourself later when your husband is watching football and you are paging through the newest In Touch magazine Trust me.

Ok, so full disclosure: Neither Jess nor myself are married.  However…we do have over 20+ years of combined serious relationship experience (yes, we are serial monogamists), so when we got asked to write about romance for those in a relationship after our seduction article got people talking, we said “hell yeah!” and here we are today.

The dirty secret of relationships is that they are WORK.  And after communication, romance seems to be the thing that requires the most conscious effort in our opinion. Soooo…that is the first thing. Romance takes work on BOTH sides.  However, it doesn’t have to be a LOT of work.  In fact, with a few ideas/mechanisms in place, romance can happen fairly easily.

For Him:

1. Read our article on seduction and follow it!

2. Women want to feel noticed, beautiful, and appreciated. We want to feel this way through gifts, words, touches, or looks — and THEN we will get turned on. We’ve said it before and we will say it again: You must start the fire to feel the heat.  Follow our formula and you will get laid.  So — ideas that might work (you know her best, so use your judgment):

a. Bring home a single rose (gift), tell her you were thinking about her (words) and you wanted to give her something beautiful, and give her a long sexy kiss.  Not a peck, a deep and loving kiss.  And then tell her she is beautiful while looking into her eyes (look).  Then relax and walk away (no pressure this way) — you have laid the foundation for later that night!

b. Send her a flirty text (words) during the day.  The same type of text that you might send early in the relationship. Examples: “Thinking of how sexy/beautiful/gorgeous you looked this morning.”  “Can’t wait to kiss you tonight.” “Thinking about taking off what you are wearing right now” etc etc. You get the idea!

c. Come home and cook a surprise nice dinner (gift!), as you pour her a glass of wine give her a deep kiss (touch!) and maybe run your hands suggestively down her back (touch). Tell her you’ve been thinking about her all day (words) and then keep up light touches while you serve her dinner. This will get her excited, fired up, and ready to seduce you.  See?

d. When you walk into the room to meet her, or come home after work and she is already home, grab her into a deep hug (touch), dip her if you are adventurous, and kiss her (lips, face, neck, gentleman’s choice).  Then tell her you have missed her (words) and set her down.  Meaningful looks and touches for the rest of the evening should seal the deal!

For Her:

1. Guys need loving too – but they are slightly more visual/direct than we are.  Putting on lipstick, heels, or whatever you know he likes is always a good start (visual).

2. Send him a flirty text, but use imagery.  “Can’t wait to see you tonight — I’ll give you three guesses as to what I’m wearing.” “Just wanted to let you know that I’m wearing my red heels tonight…” “I want you. Now.”

3. Use your feminine wiles.  Come up behind him and kiss his neck, and then run your hands down his back while saying something suggestive (fill in the blank/see above suggestions). Or run your hands down his front .  Either way, he’ll feel the love (direct touch).

4. Be direct. Say exactly what you want from him, what you want to do to him, or what you want to do together. Do this in email, text, or out loud (whisper in a crowded restaurant before the bill comes, sneak up on him at the bar, or even at home etc).

Together:

1. Set a date night regularly (every week?) and stick to it. On date night focus on each other. Go out and have sexy conversation. Dress up if that is your thing.  Flirt, kiss, and build up some anticipation for what will happen later. But take this time for your relationship and focus on romance.

2. Be kind to each other. Little gifts like doing her laundry, cooking him dinner, sending a thoughtful small present (flowers? Chocolate? Peanut butter?) and notes reminding how much you love each other will help keep the romance alive when you are both in the mood. Heck, it will help KEEP you in the mood.

3. Respect each other, but especially with your words.  Jokes, play and other stuff is all fun.  But make sure that you temper your words – nothing turns a woman off more than being told she’s “put on some tire rubber” “looks a little plump” or just “looks fine.”  Alternatively, rubbing a man’s belly and asking to talk to Buddha is a great way to discourage sex from his end.

4. Finally, communicate! If he doesn’t know what you like (or what you don’t!) then how can he meet your expectations? Same for her — if he doesn’t seduce you/touch you/cuddle with you enough to light the fire, then tell him, but do so with curiousity and respect.  Instead of “Why do you always do this wrong?!!” try “I notice you like it this way, and I’m curious as to why — can you tell me?”

Couples – weigh in! What works for you?

Recently, guest author Danae Matthews wrote an article for us about the need, in dating, to slow the hell down. That seemed to resonate with many of you. A few of you pointed out that it takes time to get below the surface of that hormone-induced crush to see who the person really is, what you have in common, and if there is potential for lasting compatibility.

It’s normal and not altogether undesirable to idealize your new crush. In fact, I’d say that a preoccupation with the perfectness of your new guy (or girl) is a central part of the falling in love process. Short change yourself in that area, and you’ve found yourself a very nice friend.

This kind of love-blindness is also the reason why many of us have felt duped at one time or another, usually around the 1-3 month marker, when the object of our affection turns out not to be Prince Charming but instead a manipulative asshole or, worse!, just an average normal person.

But when we make it past the trial period and establish a deeper connection with someone, it doesn’t mean we immediately lose those romanticized notions about our partner. Sure, they deepen. And sure we know that they fart in their sleep and sometimes wear the same socks for 2 or 3 days. We know they have foibles and annoying habits. But we still have grand ideas about their being better than anyone we’ve dated before. We still forget sometimes (selectively) that they led lives before we came along. We prefer not to think of them having deep flaws, scars, or dirty secrets. We prefer not to think that they have ever lied, hurt someone, or done something less than honorable.

But they have. Just as we have. Because to be human is to err, right?

Going deeper with a person and establishing real and lasting intimacy means accepting raw, naked honesty –including those dark unpleasant parts that we”d rather not think about. Furthermore, it means offering the same of ourselves.

I don’t mean that we have to bare every mundane secret of our lives in order to bond our souls. We know which secrets count. We know which ones our partner needs to know, in order to know us. And some of the dark bits are not told. They are stumbled upon. Like an old love letter in a shoe box, a story about our partner told second-hand, or a sixth sense.

Mutual acceptance of our shortcomings (the shameful ones) will tarnish the shine on a young relationship. Maybe we learn that our partner cheated in his last relationship. Maybe he’s discovered that we were once hospitalized for a suicide attempt. Maybe one or both of us has deep seated doubts about the sustainability of monogamy. These are hard truths to accept but learning them, understanding them, and accepting them –this process is the most powerful method of truly knowing another person.

If we want a battle-tested relationship that can weather every storm, our best weapon is exercising gritty, salty, in-your-face intimacy. All shiny objects tarnish. Only the strong ones last. Count every scratch and ding with pride.

So we’ve been bitching about 2011 for the last few weeks — have you enjoyed it? I know, us too!! Anyhoo, this year featured crazy weddings (K and K, K and Wills), The loss of the great Elizabeth Taylor (ahhh, her jewels. Her JEWELS), and some other random stuff like the economy and what appeared to be 40,000 debates by the republican presidential hopefuls.  But whatever — here are OUR favorite posts and moments from our blog, screw everyone else!

Behold!

1. Yes, we did do an entire article on seduction. And men, we expect you to read it! (Yes, you will score if you do!)

2. Then there was that moment around thanksgiving that we got all sentimental and put our “bah-humbugs” in the closest for just a short amount of time.  Don’t worry, our snark is back in full force!

3.  Then there was that whole conversation we had about living together. And yes, people had huge reactions to that!

4. Not to mention Jess’s declaration that she was looking for love, AND a unicorn.

5. Then we were feeling hilarious about weddings — the “Royal” one in particular.

6. And finally, Christie grabbed a bottle of wine and pretended to be Jess for a bit. And here is what happened with that. Definitely the BEST dating advice in history!

And with that, we say goodbye to 2011. We do so with a smile, a wave, and firm kick in the pants. Au revoir!