Recently, guest author Danae Matthews wrote an article for us about the need, in dating, to slow the hell down. That seemed to resonate with many of you. A few of you pointed out that it takes time to get below the surface of that hormone-induced crush to see who the person really is, what you have in common, and if there is potential for lasting compatibility.

It’s normal and not altogether undesirable to idealize your new crush. In fact, I’d say that a preoccupation with the perfectness of your new guy (or girl) is a central part of the falling in love process. Short change yourself in that area, and you’ve found yourself a very nice friend.

This kind of love-blindness is also the reason why many of us have felt duped at one time or another, usually around the 1-3 month marker, when the object of our affection turns out not to be Prince Charming but instead a manipulative asshole or, worse!, just an average normal person.

But when we make it past the trial period and establish a deeper connection with someone, it doesn’t mean we immediately lose those romanticized notions about our partner. Sure, they deepen. And sure we know that they fart in their sleep and sometimes wear the same socks for 2 or 3 days. We know they have foibles and annoying habits. But we still have grand ideas about their being better than anyone we’ve dated before. We still forget sometimes (selectively) that they led lives before we came along. We prefer not to think of them having deep flaws, scars, or dirty secrets. We prefer not to think that they have ever lied, hurt someone, or done something less than honorable.

But they have. Just as we have. Because to be human is to err, right?

Going deeper with a person and establishing real and lasting intimacy means accepting raw, naked honesty –including those dark unpleasant parts that we”d rather not think about. Furthermore, it means offering the same of ourselves.

I don’t mean that we have to bare every mundane secret of our lives in order to bond our souls. We know which secrets count. We know which ones our partner needs to know, in order to know us. And some of the dark bits are not told. They are stumbled upon. Like an old love letter in a shoe box, a story about our partner told second-hand, or a sixth sense.

Mutual acceptance of our shortcomings (the shameful ones) will tarnish the shine on a young relationship. Maybe we learn that our partner cheated in his last relationship. Maybe he’s discovered that we were once hospitalized for a suicide attempt. Maybe one or both of us has deep seated doubts about the sustainability of monogamy. These are hard truths to accept but learning them, understanding them, and accepting them –this process is the most powerful method of truly knowing another person.

If we want a battle-tested relationship that can weather every storm, our best weapon is exercising gritty, salty, in-your-face intimacy. All shiny objects tarnish. Only the strong ones last. Count every scratch and ding with pride.

So we’ve been bitching about 2011 for the last few weeks — have you enjoyed it? I know, us too!! Anyhoo, this year featured crazy weddings (K and K, K and Wills), The loss of the great Elizabeth Taylor (ahhh, her jewels. Her JEWELS), and some other random stuff like the economy and what appeared to be 40,000 debates by the republican presidential hopefuls.  But whatever — here are OUR favorite posts and moments from our blog, screw everyone else!

Behold!

1. Yes, we did do an entire article on seduction. And men, we expect you to read it! (Yes, you will score if you do!)

2. Then there was that moment around thanksgiving that we got all sentimental and put our “bah-humbugs” in the closest for just a short amount of time.  Don’t worry, our snark is back in full force!

3.  Then there was that whole conversation we had about living together. And yes, people had huge reactions to that!

4. Not to mention Jess’s declaration that she was looking for love, AND a unicorn.

5. Then we were feeling hilarious about weddings — the “Royal” one in particular.

6. And finally, Christie grabbed a bottle of wine and pretended to be Jess for a bit. And here is what happened with that. Definitely the BEST dating advice in history!

And with that, we say goodbye to 2011. We do so with a smile, a wave, and firm kick in the pants. Au revoir!

Our SingleGirl B is chiming in on our whole break up series. Yes, as we march on to 2012, we have a few more things to say about breaking up with 2011…

Since the beginning of relationships the term “break-up” has always had a negative connotation attached to it. We’ve all been there. We’ve all heard the mourning of others over our lost relationships,    “OH, I’m so sorry,” or “You can do so much better,” and how can we forget “There are other fish in the sea.”

So as a single girl, who has experienced her fair share of break-ups, I’m here to say that break-ups don’t have to be necessarily bad, in fact, break-ups can sometimes even be good.

With that being said, I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve had bad break-ups.  I’ve had my heart stomped on, I’ve kept “It’s Called a Break-Up Because It’s Broken,” beside my bed and read it as if it was the bible.  I’ve even showed up at my ex’s door at 3am, hoping the stench of tequila on my breath and the smear of mascara under my eyes would win him back.  But, as I’ve aged, and (hopefully)matured, I’ve decided to start looking at the positive side of things, and  I’ve come to the conclusion that break-ups actually have their benefits.

So here they are, drum roll please, the top 5 benefits of a break-up.

Number 5- You finally get the whole bed back.

Now this benefit should not be under estimated.  I know many happy couples who will openly admit that often they prefer a good dose of R.E.M as opposed to a wild night of passion.  When it’s just you in the bed, you never have to worry about getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, tossing and turning when you have something on your mind, or staying in a parallel position all night long.  The bed is all yours, so you are free to sleep diagonally, mumble at your pleasure, and even turn the light on in the middle of the night to finish a good book.  This is a sign of true freedom.

Number 4- Break-ups give you the opportunity to reconnect with friends.

I am currently the closest to my friends that I have been in a very long time, and I proudly contribute it to my singlehood.  When you are unattached, you have the time to maintain the relationships with your friends and make new ones.  Whether it is a nightly phone conversation, weekly dinner exchange, or a trip out of town to drink like you are back in college, more free time gives you more friend time.  As much as we hate to admit, and promise ourselves we will never be “those girls,” when we are in a relationship our friendships inevitably suffer.  We often forget that our friendships should be just as important as a relationship with a significant other, and they deserve our attention too.

Number 3- Break ups give you the opportunity to go fishing…

Get your rod, get your bait and hook (AKA get your purse, single girlfriends, and favorite cute skirt) and head out on the town to cast a line.  I must say there is something so invigorating about going out on a Friday night with no commitments, not the slightest clue of what is going to happen, and an open playing field to meet anyone. When you’re single you have the opportunity to meet other singles everywhere.  It’s like we’re dogs and can sniff each other out by our scents.  Although we may not always meet our Romeo, we can at the very least find someone to share a laugh with, make a new friend, or meet someone who will make an awesome story to tell your friends. (Please refer to blog 2- The First Date Blues)

Number 2- Break ups give you the opportunity to get to know yourself…

This is one of the most significant benefits of a break-up.  Three years ago I moved to this wonderful city with my long term boyfriend, he was going to grad school at Penn, I was starting a new job, we were beginning a life together and we were going to live happily ever after, or so I thought.  Within two months of relocating, our relationships came to a screeching halt, and I was devastated. (Yes, this is where the 3am tequila rendezvous ensued).

So after a few months of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I started doing things on my own again.  I realized I actually preferred going to the grocery store solo, I dug out my running shoes and started seriously training, I actually started enjoying yoga, and met an entire new group of incredible friends.  As much as I hate to admit it, when I was in that relationship I totally lost track of who I was and what I enjoyed.  I was too worried about trying to make him happy and becoming who he wanted me to be. We were spending nearly all of our free time together, and neither of us was getting the opportunity to create ourselves in this new city.

Break ups force use to be on our own, which forces us to gain a better understanding of what we enjoy and need.   Almost every single one of my friends who has been through a traumatic breakup has become a better person because of it.  As Tyler Durden says, “It’s only when we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.”

Number 1- Break ups occur because something is broken.

This by far the most obvious, yet the most important reasons a break up can be a positive thing.  If you’re experiencing a break up, it’s because either you or your partner are not happy in the current situation. You can stop walking on eggshells around one another, you can avoid the over aggressive attempts to try and please him, it’s over, and you’re free to be yourself.  Besides, why would you ever want to be with someone who didn’t want to be with you?  Being happy and content on your own is the greatest feelings you can have and you will never experience it if you keep yourself locked down in an unhappy relationship.  The best revenge you can ever have on the person who broke your heart is moving on from them and becoming a better person because of it.

So yes indeed, Break-ups can be a good thing. So forget the negative connotation, and replace it with a positive one, break-ups mean breaking free, breaking out, and breaking through.