It’s true, even now we are like 5 years old.

ANYway….moving on. Today, I invited Jess to my couch for a chat about boys.

Recently it has come to my attention, via an email from the husband of one of my people, that men do, in fact, suck.  He said, IN WRITING, that it took 10 years of daily training by his “insanely beautiful and sensitive” wife (yes, points!) to get him to not be a douche on a regular basis.  He pointed out that without her he’d be lost, and he said that he knows it sucks to be a single girl when other untrained men are all that is out there in the wild.

So, we are here to discuss that. I move that it is time to TRY MEN AND PASS JUDGMENT. Jess has valiantly offered to defend them. Yes, we are wearing our hats of evil (pillbox, with netting) and our monocle of judgement (sparkly).  Men, you may approach the bench. It’s about to get real.

Arguing for the Defense: Jess.

Arguing for the Prosecution: Christie.

GO!

Prosecution: Ok, so — while men may have awesome bodies and strong muscles and the ability to pick us up physically without grunting…we’d like to argue that it is all a facade meant to distract us.  The first reason that men suck: They are emotionally stunted. STUNTED!! A 24 year old women is like the emotional equivalent of a 30+ year old man. Catch up men! COME ON!

Defense: Men are good at balancing work and play. They put in a grueling week at the office then join the boys at the summer shore house on the weekend (where beer funnels may or may not happen). They keep us young. And some of them are really good at math. Just saying.

Prosecution: Reason number 2 – THEY DON’T COMMUNICATE.  There are a very small number of outstanding men who communicate and can string together a sentence that also expresses their feelings.  The Senor and Smoove Salsero are two that come to mind.  But most men? They won’t even tell you what they had for lunch, much less what they are actually thinking or why. Don’t you ever get tired of having to ask? It’s like pulling teeth. We all learned how to talk in kindergarten. It’s time to put that great crayola work to good use.

Defense: Boys are good at getting to the point and stripping emotion from fact. Case in point? As a child, when I got in trouble with my mom, she’d hold a grudge forever. She’d keep bringing it back up with renewed irritation and she was sure my misbehavior was a personal attack. My dad? My dad would sit me down and say, “Here’s what you did wrong. Here’s how you will be punished.” Fifteen minutes later, he would have a perfectly pleasant conversation with me over the dinner table.  No, it’s not the same as speaking from the heart or penning poems but “straight talk” does have a place of value.

Prosecution: Boys don’t have children! Whatever you may say, prostate exams do not equal the pain of labor.  Nor does turning your head and coughing. Boys, for not having to experience the most excruciating pain in the world, you suck.  Also, you don’t have to get your periods. We just want to mention.

Defense: Ill-timed erections? Balding? Kidney stones? Am I grasping at straws?

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury: Where do you stand? Did Christie pull it out? Was Jess’s monocle slightly more sparkly? Did either of them actually make any sense at all? NOW IS THE TIME FOR YOUR VERDICT!

So it has been awhile since we last saddled up and rode, lovely CGW fans, and I have missed you.

But rest assured, Jess and I have been busy. In fact, we have been busy with a large amount of break ups. Work, home, big, small, men, boys, and a half-hearted attempt to break up with our favorite brand of pita chips. So far, it’s not going well. Breaking up is hard! Breaking up with pita chips? SO MUCH HARDER.

Anyway, all of this breaking up has lead me to think.  And I can’t help thinking of this story that my Dad told me years ago about his fraternity.  Apparently, they had a unique system there that I very much wish to reactivate today.

Basically, as they met pledges during rush week and got to know them, they had to slowly whittle down the herd.  They would vote, the list would be shortened but…the pledge still had to be told. So, they had a guy. And this entire guy’s job was to let the boys who were cut down easy.  And apparently, he was really REALLY good at it.  You left my Dad’s fraternity feeling wonderful that you were not picked. Grateful to be kicked to the curb! Ecstatic about your future at another fraternity!

And this is the best bit: all they would do when they had a rushee or a pledge who was failing was introduce him to their guy. That was it! He knew, as soon as your bought over your sad candidate and said: “Bob (in my world, his name is Bob), I would really like you to meet (insert name to shortly be forgotten), you have a lot to talk about.”  And Bob, being on it, would clap a brotherly hand on (insert name to shortly be forgotten), and lead him away to the slaughter.

I LOVE this system.

So, I would like today, in our recession, to create a new job. A new, desperately needed job: The Breakup Coordinator. Imagine, if you will, that you are dating a nice man.  He’s tall/got great eyes/does your taxes/knows how to bake/whatever floats your boat.  But, BUT, you just don’t feel whatever it is you are supposed to feel, or he just has started to creep you slightly. Whatever it may be.  So, instead of having to sit him down and have that terrible conversation, you just say to him: Ted, have you met my friend Jess? I really want you two to chat. And Jess (thanks Jess!) takes her cue, claps him on the shoulder (or, messages him on FB) and breaks the bad news.

Problem solved.

And then Jess plans a lovely weekend for you, so that you get over the break up gracefully, surrounded by pita chips and loving friends.

Makes perfect sense, right?

Who’s with me?

If you’re a Lululemon fan, you know about the company’s brilliance when it comes to functional, flattering, high quality workout wear. While their focus is in yoga and running wear, I wear many of their clothes on my bike commute.

So you can imagine my excitement to learn they were coming out with a limited release Bike Commuter line. Specifically, I am excited about clothes that transition from bike to work/play. Anyone that commutes to work or lunch dates via bike knows the frustrations of needing 2 separate wardrobes! The Ride On collection is not for super long rides or races but for bike commuters who want clothing that will be comfortable and sweat-absorbent on the bike AND look cute and appropriate off the bike. This is a market almost completely unmet by anyone else! If that weren’t tempting enough, before I had a chance to go check it out, the stuff WENT ON SALE. And now, after spending an extraordinary amount of time trying and testing each item, I will offer my research findings to the rest of the internet world…

Ride On Blazer

($168.00 –on SALE for $118)

SIZING: I couldn’t find my usual size 2 for tops so I tried a 4 and it fit surprisingly well.
FIT: There are too many details to this jacket to list. So much wonderful attention was given to the fit of this jacket and it is a winner. It is both flattering and functional. The bustle in the back is gorgeous and provides butt coverage on and off the bike. I love the lapel too. As others have said, the sleeves really are too long. It’s true that you extend your arms on a bike but even so, they are too long. The only other thing I would change is that I’d prefer a symmetrical zip in the front for a more work-friendly jacket.
COLOR: I like the faux denim colors in this line although some solid colors would be better suited for the office.
FEATURES: Zipper pockets are excellent and they fit an iPhone (I checked!). Luon is great for moisture absorption. I LOVE the removable collar for extra warmth –genius!
USES: I’ll wear this as a work blazer OR as a jacket for weekends –for cool-moderate weather. I wish there was a short sleeve version.
VERDICT: I bought one.

Ride On Crop

($92.00 –on SALE for $59)

Have we not been going on dates?

We have. It is true.  In fact, so many dates we have forgotten to make time to write about them.

BUT – that is neither here nor there (well, except it is here, we NEVER stop working for you!).  What you need, CG Nation, is a great date idea.

Rival Fondue Pots

So, we are here to report. HOT CHEESE. Hot cheese is so the ticket.  It is the end of winter, now is the time before the weather heats up even more and the cheese sweats go from occasional tragedy to guaranteed faux pas.

So, here is what you do:

1. Gather up your fondue pot (We have been given three…and a s’mores maker.  Our love of burning things and eating them is apparently well known).**

2. Light some candles, and buy some fondue and bread, chocolate and fruit at your local supermarche. (See what we did there, we used French. We can’t afford the Swiss version. Cheese taxes BE DAMNED!)

3. Fire up the pot (hee!) of hot cheese, get your man over, and make suggestive eyes at each other over the delicious goodness.

4. Drink wine throughout the meal — drinking water after you start will mean an uncomfortable cheese ball in your stomach. Learn from our errors. LEARN FROM OUR ERRORS.

5. Enjoy the cheese, and then enjoy the man!

Pros:

This is a cheap and easy date idea. It is impossible to screw up!  You cannot mess up fondue! (And trust us, one of us (me) is a terrible terrible cook. And even I excel at the heating of cheese). And it is different and delightfully fun.

Cons:

No cons! Do it now!

**Ok, so if you don’t have a fondue pot, the way to get one given to you is to start dating someone, talk constantly about your love of cheese, and then have them surprise you with it on your birthday. Of course, if you already have had two other people do this, you may be bummed. BUT — if you want to have a fondue party with more than 4 people, two fondue pots are necessary so you don’t have to be bummed for long.  You WILL use them.  Final note: we prefer the cheaper electric pot to the fancy pants Williams Sonoma pot. The fancy pants pot takes too long to set up and doesn’t cook the cheese fast enough. BAH.

They are no fun.

In fact, getting laid off and job hunting SUCKS.  Let it be said with authority. It SUCKS!

So, to that end we want to stop the madness, and invite anyone in need of a job or help to the DC Career Expo just for women. WOMEN HELPING WOMEN. This is genius. Awesomeness. Bravo! Also, did we mention our very own Christie will be there as a career expert?

Yes, we do not lie.

So, if you are looking, this event is FREE and for anyone who needs a change.  And then make fun of Christie’s headshot. Go. Enjoy. Love!!

CAREER EXPO INFORMATION. CLICK HERE. DO IT!

It is our natural state as humans to be inquisitive. Knowledge is power and by asking questions, we aim to find information that will take us to our goal of being the ultimate Miss Smarty-Pants, or at least give us some comfort that we know a thing or two. The time when questions are most apparent is in the idle conversation and Smalltalk either in meeting a new person or hanging with friends. “How was your day?” “What do you do for work?” “How are your kids?” “Where are you from?” etc.

Most questions we expect and can reply in autopilot. We can be half asleep and go into detail about our work, life and interests. But for single women, some questions are just horrific. When you are single, people feel perfectly comfortable asking you very personal questions and commenting on your love life (or lack thereof). The biggest crime is that these nosy people don’t even realize that they are being downright rude. It’s important, therefore, that women arm themselves with some witty comebacks or one-liners that can shut these people the hell up so we can all get back to more important topics, like how sad we are that “Downton Abbey” is done and how we’re thanking god that “Mad Men” is coming back. I believe there are three ways of responding to these ridiculous questions – the funny quip, the sincere strategy or the reverse psychology.

Let’s go through a few of the most common, and most annoying, questions that single gals get asked.

My all-time favorite question that single women get is – “Why are you still single?” This is a knife to the heart, a huge blow to our self-esteem. This question may as well be rephrased as “Gee, there must be something really wrong with you if you can’t find a man. Tell me about your faults.” What are your options for replying?

Option 1: Most women immediately go into “fight or flight” mode so they either lament on about how they can’t find anyone, get defensive and scream back, or simply try to flee the scene.

Option 2: If you want to be funny, you can answer, “You may as well ask me the cure for cancer. How the hell should I know?!”

Option 3: For an attempt at sincerity, you can answer, “It’s tough being single, but I have hope and I won’t settle so we’ll see what happens.”

Option 4: You may be tempted to reverse it back upon the offending party with, “Wow, that’s a very personal question. Should I ask you about your sex life with your husband?” And maybe, just maybe, in doing so you’ll force them to realize the rudeness of their question and move on.

Option 5: Perhaps one of the easiest solutions is to play dumb. If you are dealing with a true a jerk, you might conveniently remember that call you need to make, or that kitten that needs to be saved from that fire, and excuse yourself.

Another moronic question single women get is “Do you think you’re looking for a guy that doesn’t exist?” This question implies, quite blatantly, that you have impossible requirements and are living in a dream world.

Option 1: The spirited answer could be something like “Well, George Clooney hasn’t met me yet but I have a friend working on it.”

Option 2: To be sincere, you might say, “What I want is pretty basic – a decent looking guy with a job and half a brain.” Most people know that these kinds of guys are on the endangered list and will understand your struggle.

Option 3: Then there is the “put the shoe on the other foot” approach by saying “I don’t know. Did you settle with your boyfriend? Did he have all the things you wanted?” This can cause downright embarrassment by the interrogator and send them in defeat, tail between their legs.

Another question that is completely asinine is “How much longer do you think it will take?” Translation: You may want to join a convent and commit your life to other people’s happiness because you will not have any for yourself. It can also imply that you must be on the edge of desperation and ready to kill yourself. Neither of these notions are fun for single women, and, for the most part, these are inaccurate assumptions.

Option 1: The silly answer could be “Oh I have it all planned out. I am going to marry my nurse Javier at the senior center when I’m 80.” This can get people laughing and laughter is the best medicine.

Option 2: Waxing poetic, you can answer, “Finding true love can take a long time, but I think it’s worth the wait.”

Option 3: A much easier out is to turn it back on them and say, “I don’t know. How long do you think it takes?”

By practicing your answers to these annoying, prying questions, you can survive cocktail parties and events with relatives mostly unscathed. Get your girlfriends to practice with you. Not only is it helpful, it can be therapeutic to let loose your anger and frustration by thinking up the craziest answers! You may not get to choose what people ask you, but you do get to decide how you want to answer. Single ladies’ choice!

Lindsley

Lindsley Lowell is an author, reformed career dater, and hopeless romantic packaged in a hard-boiled shell. She dated for what seemed like 782 years, all the while ignoring friends’ and family’s anxiety and the pressure to settle. She is the author of MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR IS COMING…HE’S JUST STUCK IN TRAFFIC —the result of a cathartic exercise of putting pen to paper to document her tales of dating in a sea of mediocrity and keeping the faith. She lives in California with her knight in shining armor and dog Miss Winnie.

However, there are questions that need answers:

1. Can we all safely agree that a hi-lo hem with RUFFLES runs dangerously close to a wild west can-can dancer costume?

2. Does this hemline make a petite gal look taller or stumpier? I think taller? If so, does that mean the hemline makes tall women look amazonian? Just who exactly does this hemline benefit?!

3. Since most of us are not a sample size inseam, will we find tailors to tackle these hem them without charging us an arm and a leg? ….Doubtful.

Nonetheless, I compiled some favorites into a fun Polyvore collage. Enjoy!

Long dress, $164
Ella moss dress, $198
Maxi dress, $118
Floral print dress, $45
Rare short cocktail dress, $60
Mink Pink cotton skirt, $84

After reading Ayelet Waldman’s controversial New York Times piece “Truly, Madly, Guiltily” in which she details loving her husband more than her children, I feel…. disturbed. It’s just not because I am a young, new mom brainwashed to believe “you’re not supposed to say that” although, admittedly, it was a rather bold claim to digest. I find myself disturbed because I detect a hint of passive-aggressive superiority in this piece that doesn’t sit well with me. It reminds me of the Facebook mentality many women have today; where disguising a brag in a complaint or self-deprecating joke makes it socially acceptable. (You’ve seen them: “My house is immaculate, I just finished a 5 mile run, and dinner is in the oven. Now what?! Im so bored!” or “I have lost 26lbs and none of my dresses fit! Ugh!”) I’m annoyed with these poorly masked conceits. I own my boasts.

Waldman paints a portrait of the perfect husband and marriage, so solid, lustful and fulfilling that no other mediocre marriages rocked by the arrival of children could relate. She characterizes her fellow moms at play dates and mommy-and-me classes as worn out, washed up bores who complain in unison about their husbands wanting sex while they are not longer interested. Rest assured, she and I are not attending the same play groups. Let me be clear, there are women, with and without children, who are not as interested in sex as their husbands. If that’s her barometer for a bad marriage, my friends and I have great ones. We laugh about our trysts with toddlers in the house, share TMI stories, and even give each other tips. I guarantee you some, maybe most, of the women in her playgroups have great marriages. And I’ll bet some were having more sex then they let on and they were, imagine, enjoying it.

Think about it for a moment. In a group of five moms if one complained about their sex life and then another chimed in about being tired after chasing around the kids, would your instincts tell you to nod along or unleash a story about your filthy Saturday night with your husband? I’ll assume the former. Just the same way if five friends were out shopping and one said, “I have to see if this is on sale because money is tight right now” another friend will chime in supportively “I know, this store is so expensive.” You probably will not choose to add “I have tons of disposable income!” at that very moment.  It’s really about time and place. It seems to me that Ayelet didn’t really get to know these fellow moms she spent time with. Instead, she took their superficial comments at face value.

There is positively an adjustment after having a baby.  Everything in your life changes and that doesn’t exclude your relationship with your spouse. Your body is different. You’re sleeping patterns are off. And your hormones make you feel like a legitimate psych patient. Sex is not going to be your priority in those first weeks. Everyone is going to refamiliarize themselves with it in different ways. But it comes back. For some, better than ever (I will neither confirm nor deny if that includes me!)

But for those who don’t yet have children, I want to make another point. I know that my pre-baby self would have read that article and hoped it was true. Because there is nothing more romantic than the idea that you and your husband have such an insatiable appetite for each other that no “typical couple” could understand it. With divorce being such a common and available option, I would have relished the idea that nothing, not even children, would be able to change that unfathomable, unwavering love I had with my husband. And while other moms were exhausted from finger painting and only putting out when they “absolutely have to,” me and my husband would be sneaking off to the laundry room.

Yes, it’s perfectly normal to have a healthy level of anxiety about whether you’ll be able keep a focus on your partner after you have kids.

But now. Now, not only do I totally disagree that Waldman that she is a bad mother who loves her husband more than her children, I am not sure she actually believes it either.
My husband and I started dating when we were 15 years old and have had only one childish week-long breakup (we were 18!). We’ve traveled the world together, comforted each other through family deaths, sat by each other during surgeries, and made each others family and friends our own. We’ve never cheated. I have a magnificent marriage that I think plenty of people could envy. I love to have sex with my husband and, simply put, cannot imagine my life without him. I know for a fact that this doesn’t make me a bad mom. So does Waldman. And, quite honestly, if I had known how watching my husband love, bathe, and read to my son would magnify my love for him, the pre-baby me wouldn’t have needed Waldman’s article to be true.

Comparing your love for your husband to the love for your children is nonsense because it’s unnecessary and impossible. They are separate and different loves but there is a thread of commonality to them because, together, you are a unit.The lines are blurry because you want to protect, enjoy, care for, and adore them both. It’s a fluid love because the pouring it into one spills over to the other. The difficulty Waldman was referencing was not about loving them. It was about paying attention to them. Finding time for both is a challenge. So, you work on it.

Because everyone’s life, mother or not, is about balance. What woman isn’t trying to make time for multiple priorities? Every woman I know is trying to juggle many obligations: their partner and their girlfriends, their career and their hobbies, their housework and their fun time, their healthy days and their junk food days. We are all multi-taskers. We are all over-obligated, running from showers to funerals to engagement parties to family birthdays (each occasion compelling us to get the perfect card, a gift with a special meaning and a nice wrap job to boot). Most of us would love to be a little more of something: involved in volunteering, dedicated to the gym, or recognized at work. The life and nature of a woman can be taxing because of its nature to spread us thin. But these things are not mutually exclusive. Being a great daughter doesn’t make you a bad sister. Loving your husband doesn’t make you a bad mom. And having a tough time with your sex life while you have young children doesn’t make you a bad wife.

And I think Waldman is smarter than her claims. In closing, she says that if she has to explain to her kids why she didn’t love them enough, she will only tell them that she hopes one day they find a love like she shares with their father. That is the part that confirmed my hunch. She loves her children a wonderful, perfect amount. Because if she hopes they are loved forever, she is a great mom. No, she never transferred all of her passion into her children because she reserves some for her husband. Well, neither did I. Neither do most moms. And that kind of balanced, shared love, that is exactly the kind of love that every good mother wishes for her own children. Even those pathetic moms from the playdate.

–Monica Farren

Monica is a regular contributor at FabFitFun where you can read more of her great writing.

Over the holidays, I experienced a true Christmas miracle.  No, it did not come in the form of a fat man in a red suit, nor did it have anything to do with the fact that I made it through an entire Christmas dinner without getting the third degree on why at 27, I was still committing the cardinal sin of singlehood.  Instead, it happened on a random Wednesday night, when I was out grabbing a beer at the local bar with some from friends.  And it came in the form of man, a very cute man, who casually sent me a flirtatious wave across the bar.  I accepted the wave as an invitation to start a conversation, and within a few minutes I was divvying out my digits; three days later, I had a date.

I feel that outcomes of first dates can usually be determined within the first five minutes.  I like to put my first dates on the traditional elementary school grading scale.

U- unsatisfactory: Non entertaining and often uncomfortable in which case you down your drink, make up an excuse, and abort mission as soon as possible.

S- satisfactory: Where the masses fall, interesting enough to hold a conversation but not a soul shaker. You let the date run its course, maybe allow him to kiss you goodnight, and even consider a second round if it happens to be a particular dry season in your dating life.

O- outstanding: The elitist, easy to talk to and a true connection is formed.  Unfortunately, finding the good “Os” are few and far between…( Just the same as the other elusive “O” we all search for) but these are the rare dates you don’t want to leave, where you don’t check your cell phone for the time, and when you really wish you would have taken the extra ten minutes to put yourself together, because for once, you actually care about impressing this guy.

For the first time in a very long time, I had found myself on a true “O” date.  Maybe it was the fact that he told me his dream vacation would be through India and Southeast Asia, the same getaway I often fantasize about.  Or it could be that he openly admitted to being an avid Ninja Turtle fan and seemed impressed when I told him that was my previous Halloween costume.  But I think what sealed the deal was when, in the middle of a conversation, he simply leaned across the table, kissed me, and his only explanation was that he “had to do it.”

Over the next 72 hours, I went to great lengths to get to know Mr. O. I brought in 2012 with him and his closest high school friends.  I took him to a New Year’s Day party where I introduced him to my tight knit group of coworkers.  I even shared beers with his father (who shared the same attractiveness and great sense of humor) over an Eagles game.  It was pretty much a relationship on crack.  We went from not knowing each other, to meeting each other’s closest family and friends over a three day span.  It may sound crazy, but for some reason it felt completely natural. But everyone knows, no great high can last forever and just like that, he was gone. On a plane back to his home in Denver, Colorado.

Yes, my “O+” lives in Colorado. Of course he does, it makes perfect sense. The only guy I have been genuinely interested in past year lives 1,747 miles away.

So now what?  When I was 12 I received some wisely advice from my friend’s grandmother that has stuck with me the past 15 years, “No man is worth going to the outhouse for,” and while at 27 I am still completely confused by that statement, I believe the sentiment is that no man is worth a great deal of effort .  But, even with the advent of indoor plumbing, I don’t know if I agree with that either.

I believe it is extremely rare to find someone with whom you have true chemistry and despite the fact my new friend lives nearly 2,000 miles away, this has been one of the healthiest starts to a relationship I’ve had in a long time. We have mastered every form of communication (minus Facebook: refer to Facebook Friend or Foe…I follow my own advice) that this great year of 2012 has to offer.  Between text messages, free long distance calls, Skype, email, gchat, and the traditional snail mail, I have had a sincere opportunity to get to know him. Even though I can’t physically see him, the more I get to know him, the more my interest grows.  Obviously the physical aspect is lacking, but in all honesty, maybe that’s a good thing for now.  To be fair, when you reach a certain age, many relationships are created almost primarily on the fact that you have good sexual chemistry with your partner. We’ve all confused good sex for a good relationship. I mean let’s face it, we’re animals, we like to get naked with one another, and if we can find someone with whom we can do that on a regular basis, that’s awesome. However, finding someone you enjoy actually talking to for hours at a time? That is rare.  And if and when you do find that person, I don’t think it’s fair to completely rule them out due to the simple inconvenience of location.

So, maybe some men are worth going to the outhouse for?   Or at least booking a ticket across the nation to see?  I mean after all…

“In the end we only regret the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were afraid to have and the decisions we waited too long to make.”

Colorado here I come.

Yes. YES. We know you understand.  See, the working theory here at CG Central is that both parties know in advance.  There is a moment when you realize that you are in love with the person you are dating, and usually in that moment you go: “oooooohhh” but you don’t say anything….yet.  You hold onto it because you aren’t sure of the other person’s feelings, you don’t want to move to fast, it’s a really odd time. Whatever the reason…you hold back.  But should it matter who says it first? If two parties love each other then isn’t everything kosher regardless of the three words of potential doom?

Well, we are tired of debating.  We throw in the very small towel and ask you, dear readers, to decide.  You tell us: Boy or Girl — does it matter who says I love you first?