Is it me or does it seem like, in new relationships, that couples settle into one household and establish that as the homebase? Rather than splitting time by going back and forth, there is some subconscious assessment of location, pets, roommates, cable tv packages, work issues, etc, and it always seem that one house wins out over the other.

Having a relationship base of operations does have perks. You can stockpile your favorite foods, host parties together, establish local hangouts, etc.

However.

One of you has to lug around the overnight bag and if its you, you’ve got clothes, shoes, make-up, and toiletries that must come with you. If you’re like many a citygirl who doesn’t drive to work, this means carrying around a large extra bag to the office so that everyone knows your business. Think you can downsize your bag shackle? I don’t think so. Anyone who’s showered in a man’s bathroom without her own toiletries knows how deeply unsettling it is to walk out smelling of Cool Water and Head and Shoulders.

But quite like purchasing real estate on the East Coast, space comes at a premium. And for many men, giving you a piece of their apartment is to compromise the sacred borders of their sovereign land. You see a small space needed for your Secret deodorant. They see —piss on their territory.

One of the many bumps along the harrowing journey that is commitment, setting up camp at a dude’s house is a delicate matter. So what to do?

Stealth mode

This happened to me once when it was my house that was the established home base. My new boyfriend slept over and I stayed in bed when he got up early to go to work. Later, once he was gone and I entered the bathroom to begin my own beauty routine, I came upon a startling sight. An unknown toothbrush in my toothbrush holder. HIS toothbrush. Uh huh.

Passive Aggressive

Some women choose to wait it out and hope that the man gets the hint when he sees her lugging bag after bag in and out of his home. Or perhaps when he hears her cursing about having left something behind, not being able to find something, or something not being clean. If you subscribe to the theory that men should be the ones driving toward commitment (see: The Rules), this may the way to go.  Or, come to think of it, The Rules probably has a more severe approach to it but I don’t own the book so you’ll have to tell me.

The Nonchalant

Sometimes the best way to diffuse a situation that is overly steeped in meaning, is to treat it for what it REALLY is: a very practical matter. After you’ve been staying at a guy’s house for several weeks, there is nothing strange about saying, “Hey, I left my toiletry bag on the shelf in the bathroom so I don’t have to drag it back and forth next time.” Most times, I think a guy recognizes the practicality of that. And if you’re low key about it and they don’t sense that this is some Hallmark level milestone of coupledom, they’ll be low key about it too.