[Editor's Forward]

Recently in the hallowed halls* of CityGirlsWorld , we’ve been reviewing case studies** of men who cheat .

* hallowed halls = a few bar stools and some reduced price drinks

** case studies = celebrity news

What’s really got our long locks in a tangle lately, is Kat Von D’s seeming oblivion about Jesse James and his track record. It’s one thing to take a chance on him despite his atrocious (and very recent) track record. It’s another to fully believe that you are any different from his exes. To believe that his cheating was specific to his previous relationships rather than a personal flaw of his own. To fall into the trap of believing that he won’t cheat if he’s REALLY in love. And how do we know she believes all of those things? Because she’s goes beyond thinking it to actually saying it, repeatedly, to the media.

And so we shook our heads knowingly at our martini glasses until Leigh posited another theory. Could cheating be some sort of punishment for past relationship crimes?…….

Okay, so it’s really “Thou shall not commit adultery.” I know that but I still don’t qualify myself as an adult so I’m going to go with what I said first.

“Thou shall not cheat.”

Unfortunately in the case of Tiger Woods and Jesse James, some do cheat – and they do it A LOT.

Cheating usually signifies that the relationship, much like the cheating party, is  not so healthy. We all know that nothing good comes out of cheating. We learned that when we were 5. Remember what they told us in grade school? If you cheat, you will get caught and you will fail. In this case, you’ll get an “F” in Relationships.

I admit I’ve done it. I was in high school and chalked it up to being young and carefree. If I could take it back I definitely would. When I did it, I put zero thought into the consequences of my actions and neglected to consider my then-boyfriend’s feelings. He of course found out immediately, our relationship ended within seconds, and it took years for him to forgive me (and for me to forgive myself).

I’ve also been cheated on. That being more recent in my life, I can recall with fresh detail that I’ve never felt more humiliated. It broke my trust completely with my now ex-boyfriend and for a time it turned me into a paranoid angry bitter girl.

Now that the bitterness has faded and I’ve moved on, I can’t help but wonder sometimes if it was karma. Was it payback for what I had done in high school? Did my selfish action –hurting someone I cared about– come back to haunt me? Most memorably, it sucked. It hurt like hell. And dramatics aside, if it wasn’t payback it sure did teach me a lesson about compassion

If you’re in relationship and are even thinking about kissing someone else, (DON’T DO IT!), be prepared to deal with the consequences. Because that tempting hook-up? It probably won’t be all gummi bears and unicorns for you anyway (don’t mind my Kelli Bensimon reference). Whether now or later, you will get caught or it will chew up your insides until the truth is out.

Use the temptation to evaluate if you should be in the relationship in the first place. Maybe you should be, maybe you shouldn’t be– only you know that. Just don’t let your cheating hook-up be the thing that decides for you….

[Photo Credit: Photo by katedubya on Flickr]

Remember that brutal morning thunderstorm a few weeks ago… ?
Street lights were out, trees were blocking traffic, and there I was- Stuck in traffic for 2+ hours and running very late to an interview. Peachy.

I called the office and they were very understanding. But being the sorta gal that is always 15 minutes early to EVERYTHING, being 45 minutes late to an interview was not ok.

So, I was late, hopped up on caffeine, had to pee, and sweating bullets from anxiety. AND I decided to wear shape wear that day, which always seems to make those situations 20 times worse.

I may write for City Girls, but that day there was nothing fabulous about me.

Other than being a hot mess, everything else seemed to go well. Now it’s just a waiting game.

Lesson learned:
Leave at least 3 hours early for an interview (2 obviously isn’t enough)… And please, do not wear shape wear in stressful situations.

Tricky, I know, considering I write about dating for a blog.

It’s just that the more I read, the more confused (and depressed) I become. Maybe my heart isn’t open enough. Maybe I’m too giving. Maybe my expectations aren’t high enough. Or are they too high? Maybe I’m not out there enough. Or maybe I’m trying too hard. Maybe I have a toxic pattern with men. Maybe I only like assholes. Maybe I’m the asshole.

And if you’ve met someone you like, the reading gets even worse.

How many times has he called you this week? Does he use your name in a sentence? Is there enough passion? Is the connection only physical? Does he respect you? Does he make future plans? Does he touch your face while kissing? Does he remember things you’ve said about yourself? Does he open doors for you? Will he make a good father to your kids? Does he invite you to his place or only spend time in yours? Is his online profile still up? What has he said about his past relationships? Does he always call when he says he will? Does he text rather than calling? Is there an intellectual connection? Does he make you laugh? Does he lay golden eggs?

Good grief, it feels good to air all of that out! How could you or anyone you meet live up to these standards?

As rational beings, we have a burning need to figure things out. To solve problems and tackle our goals. We believe in mind over matter. To that end, we’ve developed strategies, theories, explanations, rationalizations, and guidelines to the pursuit of love. And some of it is truly helpful. But much of it, in my opinion, is window dressing for a part of life that is almost entirely ruled by sub-rational desires.

Recently I read a completely unscientific “study” which polled married couples about the length and quality of their marriage and compared it to the way that they met. Skipping straight to the punchline for you –the category with the longest and happiest marriages were those that met by way of a “drunken hook-up.”

Now here’s why I find that so fascinating. We put so much effort, so much concentrated thought into selecting our perfect partner. His background, his career, his personality type, his family, his emotional intelligence…. –the list goes on. But none of that analysis comes into play in the case of a drunken hook-up. When you’re drunk,  your inhibitions are lowered and you go for what feels and looks good in the moment. If that is the stuff of lasting unions, is the joke on us? Does the search for love really come back to our most basic animal urges?

Some of you may remember when I wrote about how One-Night-Stands  can be the start of a perfectly harmonious relationship (and then The Frisky posted something on the same topic soon afterward –told you I read a lot of blogs). Again, no one is saying that they are the ideal but we are saying that the taboo about them is mostly crap. And more than that, I think passion (call it attraction, chemistry, or heat) has a more powerful role in creating and sustaining relationships than we typically believe .

No, heat does not last. We all know that relationships mellow over time and committed friendships form from passionate affairs (a good thing, by the way). But I believe that early phase –that passionate crush phase — is a powerful foundation to build upon. So powerful that you turn to it when times get tough, you remember back to that excited time and look to it as a place from which to draw up some renewed energy.

And no, heat alone does not make for the perfect relationship. But when sizing up a prospective mate –maybe, just maybe, passion is worth much more than our long outline of checklist items.

So maybe your single status contains no secret to unlock. There is no set of rules that will govern when and where love will show up. The bad news is that it may be almost entirely random.  But be open to it and keep looking for that spark. The good news is that you don’t need a handbook to find it. It can happen any day, any time, often when you are least expecting it.

[Photo Credit: Photo by Bichuas on Flickr]

Ahhh…. good times. (P.S. Whatever happened to that dress??)

We’ll see you next week in year 2 of CityGirls (working title: “Our best year yet!)

(photo courtesy of Waldo Jaquith on flickr under the CC license)

Here’s a shot of us on the dancefloor.

But then, you already knew how graceful and elegant we were, right?

So to celebrate this august occasion, we are doing something that we think is amazing (to us).  We are taking a week off to wash our hair and wander into the sunlight celebrate. Yay. YAY!!  But do not fret, as we will be back on the Tuesday after labor day daily with more opinions, insight, and random (and hopefully hilarious) observations.  Oooh, and did we mention giveaways? Monitor our twitter feed! It’s on!

But did you also know that before there was CityGirls, there was Christie and Jess? And so to that end, we *may* during this week of hiatus post a hilarious picture or two of life before the glamor of blogging took over our friendship.  Stay tuned!!

As another sweltering summer comes to an end, I still have so many festive date ideas to share and very little time to do it now! This one by far though tops my list as a cool (lame pun intended) alternative to the usual dinner date, or you can even try it after dinner.

The Franklin Fountain (116 Market Street) located in Olde City is a throwback to the soda and ice cream shops that your grandparents used to hang out at. As you walk in, you’re immediately taken back to the 50s: the tin-stamped ceilings, the decor, and even the staff’s attire (which completely matches the era!) makes the Franklin Fountain so awesomely nostalgic. It’s not even funny. [Editor's Note: No, it's not]

I must emphasize here that you and your date should share anything you order, not only because that’s a super-cute thing to do, but the portions are so big that if you decide to take one on yourself, I give you credit (I tried, and failed – miserably.) Another awesome thing about the Franklin Fountain is that they’re open until midnight everyday so it makes a great stop after dinner or a movie, or just going for a fun late-night snack with someone special.

You know I love me some date-night alternatives, so going somewhere like this will definitely create conversation, and becomes a bit more interactive when your cute date feeds you a bit of ice cream (a girl can dream can’t she?)

[Writer’s Note: Anyone out there who is opposed to having ice cream for dinner - something’s not right with you and you should seek professional help immediately.]

[Editor's Note: We really have no argument for that]

Who doesn’t like to kick back at least once (or in my case several times) a week with a nice glass of red? I favor it over white and it always makes me feel warm and fuzzy (and buzzed) when I enjoy it.

Besides the hangover you might get from it, there is another danger of that delicious red wine you’re about to take a sip of. Sip carefully, for I was the unfortunate victim of this threat the other evening while out with friends.

I was at my usual bar with my usual glass of Malbec when I noticed a very cute boy (not man – they’re all still boys to me.) I was floored when he moved down the bar and came over and introduced himself to my friends and me. We chatted for a little while I finished my glass and ordered another as I smiled and talked to him. Then it happened: the look.

Not the “Wow ANOTHER glass” look, the awkward face looking back at me look.

“Is there something on my face? OMG did my eyeliner run?!” I thought. I excused myself to the ladies room to look in the mirror and my face turned white. RED! RED EVERYWHERE! My glass of Malbec that I loved so dearly turned my teeth, lips, and even a nice little mustache on my face –red! RED!

I was horrified – mortified. I wanted to climb out the window in the bathroom and flee the scene (I already paid for my drink so I wouldn’t be stiffing the bar if I left). Instead I womaned up, rinsed out my mouth, wiped off my lips and ‘stache to the best of my ability and walked out of the bathroom. [Editor's Note: love the phrase "womaned up" --must use more]

As I reapproached the bar, I sarcastically thanked my lovely friends for noticing that I looked like I dunked my face into red dye, and to my surprise (well not really) the cute boy was nowhere to be found! Great. I scared him off with my red teeth and mustache (or maybe it was personality – I guess I’ll never know.) And here we thought the vampire look was so hot right now…

So ladies, the next time you’re about to dive into that glass of red, think of me. Think of the shame and embarrassment I suffered when the cute boy saw my glowing red teeth. Drink wisely!

[Photo Credit: Photo by Digimist on Flickr under a CC License]

1. To start off with the obvious, I love the Washingtonian. I don’t set my weekend plans in stone until I pick through every post, article, thought on the Washingtonian’s website or mag. There are tons of blogs and newsletters out there with DC-focused activities, but this is the only one that gets it all. Hopefully, you’re on Twitter (insert stern look here) and are already following @washingtonian
2. Primer. My face and eyelash primer can (mostly) hide the negative effects of sleepless nights or early morning workouts. My make up lasts a full 12 hours and my face feels soft. We at CG Central use various brands which we’ll review.
3. Pets. Most city-dwellers live such busy and complicated lives that it’s easy to concentrate on yourself, your career and your extracurricular activities. Nothing brings you back to earth than having to care for a living being. I’ve heard kids have this affect but since I’m too busy living the life of an urbanite, I’ll stick with pets. No, ladies, boyfriends don’t count. They. Are. Not. Pets.
4. Books. I have a pile of books that I am *so* excited to read. I know what you’re thinking – how do you (or anyone else) have time to read? 20 minutes before bed can relax my Type A mind just enough for sleep. 20 minutes on the metro heading to HH pulls my mind out of the work day. 20 minutes during lunch (yes, some people take lunch breaks) can trigger creative juices which might even improve your work product. Lots of ladies push reading or other methods of “me time” to the last of their to-do lists. Try just a few minutes for yourself every day – please!
5. The little things. Rainy day ruining HH plans? Brighten up with lime green galoshes. Too stressed at work to get to the gym? Buy leg weights and wear them around your apt. Cant afford that unique dress you saw online just yet? Buy a fun, bright, out-of-your-comfort zone nail color and polish those babies away. Bummed out by your S.O.? Call your parents/grandparents and catch up with them. We lose sight of the little things, but it’s the little things that build on each other to make the great, awesome, mind-blowing big things. (NO, I did NOT lead a life as a cheerleader)

(photo courtesy of MrPessimist under the Flickr creative commons license)