Over the holidays, I experienced a true Christmas miracle.  No, it did not come in the form of a fat man in a red suit, nor did it have anything to do with the fact that I made it through an entire Christmas dinner without getting the third degree on why at 27, I was still committing the cardinal sin of singlehood.  Instead, it happened on a random Wednesday night, when I was out grabbing a beer at the local bar with some from friends.  And it came in the form of man, a very cute man, who casually sent me a flirtatious wave across the bar.  I accepted the wave as an invitation to start a conversation, and within a few minutes I was divvying out my digits; three days later, I had a date.

I feel that outcomes of first dates can usually be determined within the first five minutes.  I like to put my first dates on the traditional elementary school grading scale.

U- unsatisfactory: Non entertaining and often uncomfortable in which case you down your drink, make up an excuse, and abort mission as soon as possible.

S- satisfactory: Where the masses fall, interesting enough to hold a conversation but not a soul shaker. You let the date run its course, maybe allow him to kiss you goodnight, and even consider a second round if it happens to be a particular dry season in your dating life.

O- outstanding: The elitist, easy to talk to and a true connection is formed.  Unfortunately, finding the good “Os” are few and far between…( Just the same as the other elusive “O” we all search for) but these are the rare dates you don’t want to leave, where you don’t check your cell phone for the time, and when you really wish you would have taken the extra ten minutes to put yourself together, because for once, you actually care about impressing this guy.

For the first time in a very long time, I had found myself on a true “O” date.  Maybe it was the fact that he told me his dream vacation would be through India and Southeast Asia, the same getaway I often fantasize about.  Or it could be that he openly admitted to being an avid Ninja Turtle fan and seemed impressed when I told him that was my previous Halloween costume.  But I think what sealed the deal was when, in the middle of a conversation, he simply leaned across the table, kissed me, and his only explanation was that he “had to do it.”

Over the next 72 hours, I went to great lengths to get to know Mr. O. I brought in 2012 with him and his closest high school friends.  I took him to a New Year’s Day party where I introduced him to my tight knit group of coworkers.  I even shared beers with his father (who shared the same attractiveness and great sense of humor) over an Eagles game.  It was pretty much a relationship on crack.  We went from not knowing each other, to meeting each other’s closest family and friends over a three day span.  It may sound crazy, but for some reason it felt completely natural. But everyone knows, no great high can last forever and just like that, he was gone. On a plane back to his home in Denver, Colorado.

Yes, my “O+” lives in Colorado. Of course he does, it makes perfect sense. The only guy I have been genuinely interested in past year lives 1,747 miles away.

So now what?  When I was 12 I received some wisely advice from my friend’s grandmother that has stuck with me the past 15 years, “No man is worth going to the outhouse for,” and while at 27 I am still completely confused by that statement, I believe the sentiment is that no man is worth a great deal of effort .  But, even with the advent of indoor plumbing, I don’t know if I agree with that either.

I believe it is extremely rare to find someone with whom you have true chemistry and despite the fact my new friend lives nearly 2,000 miles away, this has been one of the healthiest starts to a relationship I’ve had in a long time. We have mastered every form of communication (minus Facebook: refer to Facebook Friend or Foe…I follow my own advice) that this great year of 2012 has to offer.  Between text messages, free long distance calls, Skype, email, gchat, and the traditional snail mail, I have had a sincere opportunity to get to know him. Even though I can’t physically see him, the more I get to know him, the more my interest grows.  Obviously the physical aspect is lacking, but in all honesty, maybe that’s a good thing for now.  To be fair, when you reach a certain age, many relationships are created almost primarily on the fact that you have good sexual chemistry with your partner. We’ve all confused good sex for a good relationship. I mean let’s face it, we’re animals, we like to get naked with one another, and if we can find someone with whom we can do that on a regular basis, that’s awesome. However, finding someone you enjoy actually talking to for hours at a time? That is rare.  And if and when you do find that person, I don’t think it’s fair to completely rule them out due to the simple inconvenience of location.

So, maybe some men are worth going to the outhouse for?   Or at least booking a ticket across the nation to see?  I mean after all…

“In the end we only regret the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were afraid to have and the decisions we waited too long to make.”

Colorado here I come.

Since the beginning of relationships the term “break-up” has always had a negative connotation attached to it. We’ve all been there. We’ve all heard the mourning of others over our lost relationships,    “OH, I’m so sorry,” or “You can do so much better,” and how can we forget “There are other fish in the sea.”

So as a single girl, who has experienced her fair share of break-ups, I’m here to say that break-ups don’t have to be necessarily bad, in fact, break-ups can sometimes even be good.

With that being said, I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve had bad break-ups.  I’ve had my heart stomped on, I’ve kept “It’s Called a Break-Up Because It’s Broken,” beside my bed and read it as if it was the bible.  I’ve even showed up at my ex’s door at 3am, hoping the stench of tequila on my breath and the smear of mascara under my eyes would win him back.  But, as I’ve aged, and (hopefully)matured, I’ve decided to start looking at the positive side of things, and  I’ve come to the conclusion that break-ups actually have their benefits.

So here they are, drum roll please, the top 5 benefits of a break-up.

Number 5- You finally get the whole bed back.

Now this benefit should not be under estimated.  I know many happy couples who will openly admit that often they prefer a good dose of R.E.M as opposed to a wild night of passion.  When it’s just you in the bed, you never have to worry about getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, tossing and turning when you have something on your mind, or staying in a parallel position all night long.  The bed is all yours, so you are free to sleep diagonally, mumble at your pleasure, and even turn the light on in the middle of the night to finish a good book.  This is a sign of true freedom.

Number 4- Break-ups give you the opportunity to reconnect with friends.

I am currently the closest to my friends that I have been in a very long time, and I proudly contribute it to my singlehood.  When you are unattached, you have the time to maintain the relationships with your friends and make new ones.  Whether it is a nightly phone conversation, weekly dinner exchange, or a trip out of town to drink like you are back in college, more free time gives you more friend time.  As much as we hate to admit, and promise ourselves we will never be “those girls,” when we are in a relationship our friendships inevitably suffer.  We often forget that our friendships should be just as important as a relationship with a significant other, and they deserve our attention too.

Number 3- Break ups give you the opportunity to go fishing…

Get your rod, get your bait and hook (AKA get your purse, single girlfriends, and favorite cute skirt) and head out on the town to cast a line.  I must say there is something so invigorating about going out on a Friday night with no commitments, not the slightest clue of what is going to happen, and an open playing field to meet anyone. When you’re single you have the opportunity to meet other singles everywhere.  It’s like we’re dogs and can sniff each other out by our scents.  Although we may not always meet our Romeo, we can at the very least find someone to share a laugh with, make a new friend, or meet someone who will make an awesome story to tell your friends. (Please refer to blog 2- The First Date Blues)

Number 2- Break ups give you the opportunity to get to know yourself…

This is one of the most significant benefits of a break-up.  Three years ago I moved to this wonderful city with my long term boyfriend, he was going to grad school at Penn, I was starting a new job, we were beginning a life together and we were going to live happily ever after, or so I thought.  Within two months of relocating, our relationships came to a screeching halt, and I was devastated. (Yes, this is where the 3am tequila rendezvous ensued).

So after a few months of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I started doing things on my own again.  I realized I actually preferred going to the grocery store solo, I dug out my running shoes and started seriously training, I actually started enjoying yoga, and met an entire new group of incredible friends.  As much as I hate to admit it, when I was in that relationship I totally lost track of who I was and what I enjoyed.  I was too worried about trying to make him happy and becoming who he wanted me to be. We were spending nearly all of our free time together, and neither of us was getting the opportunity to create ourselves in this new city.

Break ups force use to be on our own, which forces us to gain a better understanding of what we enjoy and need.   Almost every single one of my friends who has been through a traumatic breakup has become a better person because of it.  As Tyler Durden says, “It’s only when we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.”

Number 1- Break ups occur because something is broken.

This by far the most obvious, yet the most important reasons a break up can be a positive thing.  If you’re experiencing a break up, it’s because either you or your partner are not happy in the current situation. You can stop walking on eggshells around one another, you can avoid the over aggressive attempts to try and please him, it’s over, and you’re free to be yourself.  Besides, why would you ever want to be with someone who didn’t want to be with you?  Being happy and content on your own is the greatest feelings you can have and you will never experience it if you keep yourself locked down in an unhappy relationship.  The best revenge you can ever have on the person who broke your heart is moving on from them and becoming a better person because of it.

So yes indeed, Break-ups can be a good thing. So forget the negative connotation, and replace it with a positive one, break-ups mean breaking free, breaking out, and breaking through.

Last weekend I ventured out of the City of Brotherly love and headed west to Lancaster, Pennsylvania, home of the Amish, horse and buggies, and my best friend.  As I stood in the bathroom line, sipping my authentic Lancaster Brewing Company beer, I was approached by a rather tall, handsome, and unAmish lad.  I was instantly impressed with Lancaster, not only did they have good beer and fresh air, but they also had cute boys.  Just as I began plotting my relocation scheme, my tall drink of water informed me that he was actually from The Big Apple, and was just in town for the night.  Regardless of our geographical differences, we continued to engage in quality conversation until last call.  Just as the lights came on and I was waiting for the number exchange, he did something very peculiar.  He gave me his name.  Yes, his first and last name, and simply stated, “Facebook me.”

Two days later, I found the scrap of paper in the bottom of my purse and decided to send Mr. Alex Facebook a friend request.  Before I had time to log off, he had already accepted me, and it was official, we were Facebook friends.  This gave me my official invitation to begin stalking. Within minutes I came to find out that my new friend enjoyed Nirvana, played a year of professional baseball with the Mets, and “aspires to be like Bugs Bunny.”  As I continued to stalk, and make judgments based souly on what was presented on his profile, I began to question Facebook.  As a single girl in the 21^st century, is it our friend or is it our foe?

Since I couldn’t single handedly determine if I saw it as a date helper or harmer, I assembled a group of my closest friends (and experienced Facebookers) and this is what we came up with.

Friend:

Facebook allows you an opportunity to reconnect.  This is an obvious advantage to the social network.  If you’re curious about how your high school sweetheart is doing or the boy you use to steal animal crackers from in preschool, you simply search their name, send them a non threatening friend request, and BOOM…you can figure it out.

Foe

Facebook forces us to judge. The minute we get access to a potential mate’s profile, we snoop around like we have a part time job for the FBI.  As a close friend states, “Unfortunately we’re wired to form a first impression pretty quickly, so if I see only picture of a guy really wasted at parties, because that’ what his friends posted, I’m going to think of him as wild, immature party guy for a long time— as long as it takes to undo first impressions.”

Friend:

Facebook offers a nonthreatening way to communicate. I have close friend, who currently has an amazing live-in boyfriend, thanks to Facebook messaging.  She had a crush on a guy who worked for her company, but was afraid to approach him.  One night, after many Irish car bombs, she got up enough whiskey courage to send him a message with her phone number.  A few days later, she received a call from him, and the rest is history.  Although this story may not be the norm, I do believe it has become such a common element in our daily lives that it is an easy outlet for communication.

Foe:

Facebook reveals too much too fast. In a typical dating scenario, you gradually get to know to someone via conversation.  The first few dates you may discuss your hobbies, interests, favorite books, or employment.  Then maybe, as the relationship progresses, you learn more about one another’s personal life AKA ex girlfriends, but with Facebook that stuff is in your face the moment you accept the friend request.  As my friend Mary states, “There is something to be said for slowly getting to know each other, and revealing things about yourself as you’re ready.”

Friend:

Silence…can’t think of another positive.  Anyone? “ Bueller, Bueller…”

FOE:

Facebook brings out your inner psycho. Although we may be very sane, mature, and confident women, the minute another female post on our potential mate’s wall or photos are tagged, those traits are all thrown out the window.  Although the pictures or post could be completely innocent, the “I can’t wait to see you, “is a distant cousin from Wisconsin, or all the smiling shots are from a childhood friend, we automatically assume the worst. Unfortunately human nature is often driven by drama, and Facebook interactions allow us to create our own reality, which is typically a worst case scenario.

So, although Facebook does allow us the opportunity to reconnect and send non threatening messages, the vote is in, and Facebook is a relationship foe. Your thoughts?

There are a few imperative steps one must take when going on a first date with a guy she barely knows. First, and foremost, always schedule the first date for a week night.  This way if it turns out to be a total disaster, you can always use the old excuse “I have to wake up early for work in the morning.” Plus, why would you want to waste a weekend night on a guy you barely know?  Secondly, never meet for a full meal. This coming from a girl who loves full meals, especially free full meals.  However, I’ve been on far too many dates where I wanted to escape before the appetizers were over and was forced to stick it out through dessert. Save the buffet for the second date.  Finally, always meet in a well lit mutual location.  I know this may sound trite, but there are far too many crazies in the world to be letting strangers know where you live, so play it safe.

Following my own first date guidelines, I agreed to meet Ryan Irishpub on a Monday night for drinks at Devils Alley. Although I’m typically a fairly confident first dater, as I approached the meeting place I began to get a bit nervous.  I wasn’t afraid of awkward conversation or self-conscious about how I looked, but to be completely honest, I wasn’t quite sure if I remembered exactly what Ryan Irishpub looked like.  To be fair I had met him a few weeks back, we were drinking at the time, and I may have met a “Joe Bob and Barbra’s,” or “Matt Noche” in between.

Fortunately, for me, only three individuals were at the bar when I arrived. One a middle-aged balding man (I was pretty sure my beer goggles weren’t that bad), the other a short blonde girl who was consumed with her text messages, and finally a moderately attractive 20 something, casually glancing around the room as if he were looking for someone.  I had found Ryan Irishpub.

I saddled up on the stool next to him, ordered a Yards, and attempted to prove it was possible to meet a normal guy at the bar.

Conversation attempt #1- Television shows…always fair game for the first date.

Me: “I’ve been getting really into The Wire, it makes me miss living in Baltimore”

Him: “Never heard of it, I hear Baltimore is a terrible city. I’ve haven’t missed an episode of Glee this season”

Me: “Hahaha.”  Good he has a sense of humor…wait, he’s not smiling. Shit, is he serious? Never heard of The Wire but is adamant about his love for Glee? Oh boy. Maybe he just has bad taste in television…

Conversation attempt #2- Philadelphia.  I mean we both live here, we at least have that in common…

Me: I was down in Passyunk Square last weekend, I can’t believe how much they’ve done to that neighborhood.”

Him: “ Huh, Passyunk Square, that’s in South Philly right?  I’ve never actually be south of South Street.  It seems like everything I need is in Center City.

Has lived in Philadelphia for 3 years and hasn’t been south of South street? Ok strike two, but in the spirit of the playoffs I’ll give him one more chance.  I mean, Ryan Howard gets 3 strikes.

Conversation attempt (and strike) #3- Pets. How can you go wrong when talking about pets?

Me: “Do you have any pets in the city?”

Him: “ No, I use to have a dog when I was a kid…(insert fond memories of having a dog here)but then my sister started eating all his hair so we had to get rid of him.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Him: “My sister started eating his hair, my parents thought it was best we get rid of him.”

And there we have it folks…strike three.  I wish I could say that I’m fabricating this story, or that I changed the dialogue slightly for a comic effect; however, I’m not creative enough to make this stuff up.  Ryan Irishpub really did tell me that his sister ate his dog’s hair.  I mean who admits that? Let alone on a first date?

So with three sips of beer and three consecutive strikes on my conversation starters, I decided my date with Ryan Irishpub had to come to an end.  Fortunately, I had followed my own first date rules and made the date for a Monday, so at 7:45 (about 25 minutes in) I convinced him that I typically had a 9pm bed time on the weekend and had to go home and prepare.

As I walked home from my disaster date, I was in relatively high spirits. Dating really is just a game. I mean you can prepare for it, buy that cute outfit, practice all your great conversation starters, but when you get out on the playing field, you can never be quite sure what is going to happen.  Sometimes you may get lucky and hit a homerun, but other times you plain and simply strike out. However, the great thing about dating is, just like baseball, the season rarely ever comes to an ends.  You’ll always have another chance to get up to the bat, and you can’t always strike out.  At some point you’re going to have to get a hit, and maybe if you’re really fortunate it will even go out of the park.

(photo credit)

We’ve all heard our mother’s good natured advice, “You’ll never meet anyone decent at a bar.”  However, when you’re single and you have an infinite number of bars within stumbling distance of your apartment, it is highly likely that on Friday and Saturday nights (and more than likely Wednesdays during SIPS) you and your girlfriends are going to put on your “sexy dresses” and parade into one of those bars.  You’re going to have a few cocktails which will unravel your “Scottish courage,” and eventually you’re going to meet different men.

Now, here comes the fun part: these men that you meet are essentially a lottery.  You may spend your entire night talking to one and realize that not one of the numbers hit, or you could attempt talking to 3 or 4, playing a variety of numbers, hoping to get a small prize such as a free vodka and soda or number exchange.  Truth be told, it is a gamble, and you have to be willing to play the game if you want the chance to win.

Last Friday night, I was willing to play the game.  I thought about it logically, “my friends and I are decent women, we go to bars, so that means decent men must go too.”  I was on a mission: I was going to find that one, normal, attractive, fun, intelligent guy at the bar.  The scene was perfect:  I was wearing my sexy dress, my hair was actually winning the battle against humidity, and most importantly, I was three cocktails in which gave me enough confidence to approach anyone.  After my initial scouting lap (you know, where you pretend you have to use the bathroom,  but you really just want to walk around and see what your options are) I spotted a moderately attractive man in the corner.  We played the eye contact game for a while, you smile, look away, pretend what your girlfriend just said was ridiculously funny, only to look back at him and make sure he is still watching.

When I was just about convinced that he was actually participating in the eye contact game with me, and not the blonde beside me, my entourage decided it was time to leave. However, I am not just a single girl, I am a competitive girl, and I was not leaving that bar without giving Mr. Moderately Attractive my number.  So I persuaded my friends, another round was necessary, and marched my pretty little denim dress right up to him and initiated a conversation.

What ensued in that conversation, I can’t actually recall, it was Friday night, I was out with my girlfriends, many cocktails were consumed. But my slightly intoxicated instincts told me he was attractive, he didn’t have two heads, and he could carry on a conversation, he was definitely worthy of my digits.  With that being said, contact information was exchanged, “Ryan Irishpub” was entered into my phone, and plans to hang out later that week were discussed.

After leaving the bar, I felt a moment of gratitude to the bar gods, there was a possibility that I had just met a decent guy at the bar. I must admit, some of my optimism may have been triggered by the vodka and soda, but I’ll take what I can get. After departing, I received the obligatory “It was nice meeting you and will get in contact with you later this week,” text. At this point, I figured it was about a 50/50 chance he would actually get in contact with me later that week, but “Ryan Irishpub,” true to his words, surprised me and after several text messages exchanges (some which may even be considered witty), he extended  an invitation to meet for a drink later that week.

So have I successfully done what the odds and my mother said was impossible?  Have I successfully met a decent guy at the bar?  TBD. I will keep you posted as I strut towards the next big gamble: the first date.

(photo credit)

While enjoying a weekend away in Western NY, I glanced at the paper to see that, not far away in Seneca Falls, there was a celebration of Susan B. Anthony and the women’s suffrage movement. The next day, my mother and I just happened to drive by the movie theatre and made a last minute decision to see The Help. Both of these struck a deep chord with me.

Growing up as the oldest of four children whose parents were only 20 years older than myself, I was raised in a time where girls were expected to go to college after high school. Being from the country, I found that most girls my age weren’t finishing more than a year or two before becoming wives and mothers and spending their days at home. Although my mother was one of those high school graduates turned wife and mother, she was the voice that told me it wasn’t necessary to find a man and have children. A career should be my focus, not someone else.

Looking back to the early 1900’s when women’s suffrage was at its height, we see women who turned against the grain and fought for our rights, careers, choices, and futures. These women were different from those of their time because they were single (gasp!) and didn’t do what was expected of them. Moving forward to the 1960’s era of housewives depicted in The Help, we see women who went to college to get their “Mrs.” degree. They chose men who could take care of them & hired maids to take care of their children, cooking and cleaning while they played Bridge and setup charity events. Their education became useless.

Now we see women taking on corporate executive positions and leading non-profits instead of being someone’s Gal Friday. Women are taking bigger entrepreneurial risks and leading the way for the younger generations to prove that we can do more with less. We’re getting seats at the table now, but as Leslie Bradshaw asks “is that really enough?” Studies are showing that many women leave work before they leave work. Most of the time it’s due to getting married and planning for children. They don’t ask for raises or promotions because they plan to leave the workforce to stay at home with their future little ones. And then women complain that we’re not getting paid or treated equally.

Finding myself looking at my 30’s with great excitement for what’s to come, I see a woman not unlike the main character, Skeeter, in The Help. A young woman wanting to change the world, wanting to find her space by helping others. This gumption-filled character who went outside the confines of ‘normal’ and proved herself by taking a stand for others. She is someone to look up to, to become more like, to be humbled by. She’s the woman I want my nieces and nephews to look up to and my parents to be proud of.

About 10 years ago my mom had a conversation with a friend of hers who was single, 35 and waiting. She hadn’t even bought towels because she thought you had to be married to get towels as a wedding gift. My mom told her she needed to go do things because she wanted to. So, she went to Honduras on a missions trip, bought a house, finally bought towels and became happy with her life. She’d always been waiting for someone to be happy with and realized her life was waiting for her instead.

As a woman who seems to have it all together, I wonder why this notion of ‘what’s next’ keeps me searching for a ’someone’. Why is the next step always marriage and/children? Why can’t a big career and amazing friends/family be enough? Why is there always the comment “Oh, you’re pretty. You’ll find someone.”?

It may not be 1890 or 1960 but we still have the requirement of marriage surrounding us as women. We’re taught to be independent and to find ourselves but when will we stop being looked at like there’s something wrong with us if we choose to be alone. Our lives aren’t based on our careers, but the end game always seems to be settling down. I look at the lives of most married women and see them looking at my life with wonderment. I think I’ll just keep on keeping on and see where life takes me next instead of trying to fit a mold the women of the 20’s & 60’s tried to break for me.

——-

Melanie Spring, founder of Sisarina Inc, has been rockin’ the web world with her marketing background for the last 10 years, infusing her easy-to-use CMS, PICO, with branding and social media power. She loves mimosas on the weekends, running with her dogs and reading books enriched with entrepreneurial stuff. www.sisarina.com & www.melaniespring.com

The steep price of a Bridesmaid’s dress is confounding to begin with. By the way, is the word Bridesmaid capitalized? If not, I argue it should be.

But… the bridal retail community would have you believe that Bridesmaids dresses are custom fitted. Why else would they insist, passionately at times, that you go to a proper dress tailor to have very specific measurements taken? Right?

Ok, you say to yourself, it’s silk. And it’s custom fitted. So that does seem worth a few hundred dollars. Totally makes sense.

Dress Purchase: $200

But then the dress arrives and you learn that…  you must have it tailored. It hasn’t been hemmed to suit your height. It hasn’t been fitted at the bust or let out at the waist. It’s a stock size and you’ll have to get a tailor to make it fit. And that’s not to mention the tailoring specifications that some brides will ask you to do –usually on length but sometimes more significant changes like altering the neckline, or adding/removing embellishments.

My last visit to a dress tailor (the only ones who will agree to working with silk)? The alterations cost me almost as much as the price of the dress.

Alterations: $165

I don’t need to tell you that you will never wear it again because, you’re a smart girl and by keeping up with even the most minimal amount of fashion news, you know that too-stiff silk in over-saturated pastel is never in fashion. In fact, it’s not even fashionable at a wedding. This is made obvious by the contrast of the wonderfully chic, far less expensive, and exceedingly more comfortable attire worn by every other guest at the wedding (that includes the grandmothers).

Hours of Usage: 10

It’s true that there are exceptions. And there are two sure-fire ways of knowing that you have landed a dress that is re-wearable (aside from the fact that it’s not ugly). One, it didn’t come from a bridal boutique or bridal retailer of any kind. Or, two, you picked it out yourself.

Hourly Cost of Dress ($365/10 hours):  $36.50

Horrified by the cost, you might think of trying to recoup some it. After all, it’s hardly been used. But of course the dress is non-refundable (remember, it’s been altered). And try selling it! A quick visit to Ebay reveals scads of unwanted dresses with starting bids as low as $9.99. and remain bidless.  Despite their $200+ price tags and their next-to-new condition (worn for less than one day!), no one wants them. You’ll be lucky to get someone to pay for shipping to do you the favor of eliminating it from your house. The most recent Ebay listing sold was a set of 2 new Bridesmaids dresses which went for 99 cents. That’s 50 cents a dress.

Even a new car retains more value once you pull it off the lot.

Residual value of dress after 10 hours: 1.83%

Ok, lesson over. And don’t get me wrong. I’m the girl that cries at weddings and gets sappy over all the romantic sentiments. I love weddings. I just hate the associated costs. And I’m not trying to say that bridesmaids carry all the burden. Brides clearly have it worse than anyone. Tons of tiny expenses that seem to never end.  It’s just something about the wedding industry that keeps the cash register on overdrive. Slap a wedding label on it and you can hike the price up by at least 25%. There’s really no way around it.

Still, I sometimes ask myself. Why is it so important that the bridesmaids be dressed identically? Couldn’t we all wear matching corsages? Hats? Something to connect us to the bride but still let us be individuals? Do I ask too much?

Or! How about this?! What if we standardized the Bridesmaid dress just like is done for a tux or a graduation gown. With a standard look, you could just buy one and be set for life.

Not feeling it?

Well if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em I guess.  I have the loveliest shade of coral picked out for my friends when its MY turn to marry. Stay tuned!

What does it mean to “have it all”?

I would say that there are as many answers to that question as there are flavors of Absolut Vodka (They keep coming up with new and amazing ones. I hear Mango is fantastic). I also think that the answer for each of us changes as we ride along the highways and byways of life. Sometimes I wonder if I’m putting too much pressure on myself to have it all. Does having it all inherently include a husband, kids and white picket fence? Or, is it possible that I already have it all –according to my own personal definition as to what fits my lifestyle and is authentic to me? On my kinder and gentler days, having it all is as simple as waking up to blue skies and sunlight, the absence of hiccups at work, and wrapping up the day getting re-acquainted with a friend over a plate of sushi and spring rolls. On the days I feel like beating myself up over not having it all, I want to scream and cry in a fit of terrible two-year old proportions.

Believe it or not, I have a number of guilty pleasures and the one I’m least embarrassed to share with you is my love for reality television and the Real Housewives of New York, where I first met “Ms. Bethenny Frankel.” When she first came into my life, I saw Bethenny as a real-life manifestation of another friend of mine, “Carrie Bradshaw”- a self-sufficient single girl cut and sewn from the cosmopolitan cloth of NYC drifting in and out of bad and good but never quite-right relationships, with the ultimate dream of becoming Queen of her Skinny Girl empire sitting alongside her King and their adorable baby Prince or Princess. I rooted for her, followed her on Facebook, and maybe I took a very small amount of comfort from her inability to have it all because it validated the my own insecurities and doubts. Fast-forward after a few years of hard work and staying the course, and Bethenny has her (husband) King Jason and (child) Princess Bryn as well as enormous professional success, fame, and fortune. By most anyone’s definition, she now has it all.

So what can a Single Girl like me learn from Bethenny Hoppy nee Frankel? Lighten up and keep caring for yourself, don’t get defeated by a string of less than stellar dates, hold onto the silver linings and let go of the junk.

Keep the faith and keep it moving.

I know all these things because I learned them from television.

Hey friends..I’ve missed our meetings. Don’t know about all of you, but I’ve got a bit of that old-fashioned spring fever coursing through my veins and my attention has been largely focused on taking care of all those highly important pre-summer tasks-  planning beach getaways, switching over seasonal wardrobes, and stocking up on sunblock.   I’m also noticing a spike in foot traffic of attractive men who are done with the winter hibernation and ready to meet me (Helloooo Ms. Universe? Just putting that out there for  your consideration).

In this dating episode, I’m trying to see how many cliches I can possibly squeeze into a few hours of one evening. We’ve got 1) it’s Saturday night 2) a blind group date 3) set-up by a well meaning relative 4) a significantly older man.  I was “recruited” by my dear cousin to to attend a dinner party to meet her dear friend from high school days. At least I know this guy is capable of long-term friendships, right?  Yup, that’s me, always looking on the bright side.  And truthfully, this situation is what I’ve been asking for in terms of the set-up and older man criteria so I might as well see what’s doing.

Apparently a rousing game of musical chairs took place just before I arrived because my prospective date was feeling a bit shy and wasn’t keen on sitting too close to me. I’ll tell you, it’s not so easy to carry on a diagonal shouting conversation at a table of ten in a bustling restaurant. Honestly, I had some reservations going in about our nearly 15 year age difference and didn’t know what to expect in terms of looks but I wasn’t disappointed-not at all. He reminded me of what I’d imagine Billy Joel’s cousin looks like and had a youthful energy that was attractive.

After dinner, we all headed to a sports bar where I hoped he and I would have more of a chance to chat without feeling like we had spotlights over us. As it turned out, we talked- but not so much to one another as to our other friends. I found out the next day that he enjoyed meeting me but was fresh off of a sudden break-up and feeling pretty distracted- maybe the timing isn’t so great on this one.  Speaking of timing…is timing just one of those melodramatic things that we use to rationalize our feelings or is it really a legitimate factor that makes or breaks the likelihood of romance? “If only we had met five years ago, I’m certain we’d have been soulmates”.

We’ll see if anything develops with Mr. Joel, but in the meantime, keep on truckin’ and I’ll do the same.

That’s it from SG3 today. We love the question she asks:

Timing: a legitimate factor in dating or overused excuse?

Have you been in a situation where you got together with someone who you’d previously passed over (or who previusly passed you over) because of timing? Do tell.

He Says:

This may seem slightly contrary to my answer in the previous article on who should “I love you,” but I do think it is awesome for the girl to make the first move.  The difference between being the first to make a move and the first to say “I Love You” is this: with the former, you are just letting the guy know you are interested.  With the latter, you are pushing the relationship (if it can even be called such at that point) into a place that the other person may not be ready for or even want to enter into.

To me, for a woman to make the first move by asking me out, it is indeed flattering and it makes it obvious to me that she’s interested, or at least interested in getting to know me, and that’s enough for me to consider, or more seriously consider, the possibility of the same with her.  How should she do it?  I’ll point you to a great article by fellow blogger and tweeter, Steven J. Dixon:

How to ask a guy on a date pt 1 (by @stevenjdixon)

How to ask a guy on a date pt 2 (by @stevenjdixon)

There’s hardly anything in this article that I can disagree with.  Basically, if you do ask a guy out, it’s really for the sole purpose of getting him to take notice of you and let him know that you’re available.  After that, it’s best to leave the ball in his court.  Give him the “green light,” so to speak, but he has to make the choice of whether to go straight, or instead turn left/right/u-turn. Anything past that, and you’re taking control of the relationship.  As long as you’re in a relationship with that guy, you’ll find it hard to ever get him to step up and take charge of anything because you set that tone from the beginning, and you will eventually resent him for that.  You have to let him know you want to be chased (and caught), but no more than that.  Otherwise, he will never truly pursue you because he feels has no need to.  You have jumped into his lap and given him the impression that you’re not going anywhere.

She Says:

Jess here, speaking for both of us. We are big proponents of women making the first move. Now, notice I don’t say we enjoy/prefer/believe in it. It’s just a question of practicality.

All women know the typical Friday night bar scene. There you are scoping the crowd, looking for that one gentleman in the crowd that may be appealing –a diamond in the rough. But just as you spot him and establish eye contact, BAM, a slimy dude and his entourage jump in. While you’re squirming under his lame attempt at conversation (or worse you let him buy you a drink and now you feel obliged to stay and chat), Mr. Adorable has looked away with a discouraged sigh.

What’s a gal to do? Rather than lose out on great guys night after night, you have to take matters into your own hands. After all, the kind of guy you’re seeking is maybe not the one that slithers in with a slimy pick-up line, right? So, Christie and I advise that if you see something you like, you might as well walk up and take it (or, errr, talk to it, as the case may be).

Now admittedly, Christie is an opener and I am a better closer. But we have employed various techniques at making the first move that don’t require us to make much of a move at all. Like Smoove says, you still want the guy to be doing the pursuing. We just help out by letting him know that his advances will be welcome.

Game on.

Round 1? Eye contact. Get his attention. If he doesn’t walk over right away, add a flirty smile for good measure. This usually will do the trick.

Round 2? If the guy is making eye contact and smiling back but still not walking over, it may be that he’s young, inexperienced, shy, or just dim. Either way, in this case we recommend adding the “wave over.” Use one hand, smile, and make the motion of “come here.” You’d be amazed at how effective this can be. So simple, even the shiest girl can pull it off and yet  it’s a move that oozes confidence and sex appeal. You can also use the wave over in round one if you are looking to expedite the process.

Round 3? There are those rare occasions where you just want to make a bold statement and then move along. For those instances, you need the “face grab” — a patented move whereby you walk up to the gentleman, place your hands on the sides of his face, lean in, and smack one on him (we strongly recommend doing a shot beforehand). Be warned that this is a powerful maneuver and in at least one instance caused the subject to come running out of the bar screaming and begging for Christie’s phone number. For that reason and many others, we will probably never be able to visit Rome again. But that is a tale for another time…