[Editor's Forward]

Recently in the hallowed halls* of CityGirlsWorld , we’ve been reviewing case studies** of men who cheat .

* hallowed halls = a few bar stools and some reduced price drinks

** case studies = celebrity news

What’s really got our long locks in a tangle lately, is Kat Von D’s seeming oblivion about Jesse James and his track record. It’s one thing to take a chance on him despite his atrocious (and very recent) track record. It’s another to fully believe that you are any different from his exes. To believe that his cheating was specific to his previous relationships rather than a personal flaw of his own. To fall into the trap of believing that he won’t cheat if he’s REALLY in love. And how do we know she believes all of those things? Because she’s goes beyond thinking it to actually saying it, repeatedly, to the media.

And so we shook our heads knowingly at our martini glasses until Leigh posited another theory. Could cheating be some sort of punishment for past relationship crimes?…….

Okay, so it’s really “Thou shall not commit adultery.” I know that but I still don’t qualify myself as an adult so I’m going to go with what I said first.

“Thou shall not cheat.”

Unfortunately in the case of Tiger Woods and Jesse James, some do cheat – and they do it A LOT.

Cheating usually signifies that the relationship, much like the cheating party, is  not so healthy. We all know that nothing good comes out of cheating. We learned that when we were 5. Remember what they told us in grade school? If you cheat, you will get caught and you will fail. In this case, you’ll get an “F” in Relationships.

I admit I’ve done it. I was in high school and chalked it up to being young and carefree. If I could take it back I definitely would. When I did it, I put zero thought into the consequences of my actions and neglected to consider my then-boyfriend’s feelings. He of course found out immediately, our relationship ended within seconds, and it took years for him to forgive me (and for me to forgive myself).

I’ve also been cheated on. That being more recent in my life, I can recall with fresh detail that I’ve never felt more humiliated. It broke my trust completely with my now ex-boyfriend and for a time it turned me into a paranoid angry bitter girl.

Now that the bitterness has faded and I’ve moved on, I can’t help but wonder sometimes if it was karma. Was it payback for what I had done in high school? Did my selfish action –hurting someone I cared about– come back to haunt me? Most memorably, it sucked. It hurt like hell. And dramatics aside, if it wasn’t payback it sure did teach me a lesson about compassion

If you’re in relationship and are even thinking about kissing someone else, (DON’T DO IT!), be prepared to deal with the consequences. Because that tempting hook-up? It probably won’t be all gummi bears and unicorns for you anyway (don’t mind my Kelli Bensimon reference). Whether now or later, you will get caught or it will chew up your insides until the truth is out.

Use the temptation to evaluate if you should be in the relationship in the first place. Maybe you should be, maybe you shouldn’t be– only you know that. Just don’t let your cheating hook-up be the thing that decides for you….

[Photo Credit: Photo by katedubya on Flickr]

Dark day. Dark, dark day.

Per the advice of my male BFF and the rational side (ok fraction of a side) of my brain, I held back my need to have the exclusivity conversation with JockBoy until well, it just had to be done.

It’s been over a month, and 6 dates. And I needed some assurance that there was a soft landing place for my heart before I dropped it down into that black hole we call love (oh god help me, I’m talking in country music lyrics now).

Anyway, we’d had a nice dinner and were just lounging at his place when I felt the need to say it boiling up inside me to the point where I couldn’t think of anything else. When the words finally erupted from my lips, well, let’s just say my delivery wouldn’t win me any oscars.

Me: So, um, hey.

Him: What’s up?

Me: So, there’s something I’ve actually been wanting to mention.

Him: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-kay.

Me: Well, now that things between us are a bit more serious, well, I just wanted to kinda establish that we’re not seeing other people and well, I was sorta hoping that maybe you’d bring it up first but you didn’t so I guess here I am doing that and man, yeah, I feel all nervous about it but I mean I’m sure its just obvious but I wanted to, you know, just kinda mention it to be sure and well, um….

[I'd been waiting all that time for him to interject or make that smiling understanding expression to let me off that very painful hook. Instead, I got bug eyes. Bug eyes can't be good.]

Him: ohhhhhhhhhh………. Um. I guess…. I guess I just didn’t think we were at that stage…

[Temporarily, I lose the power of speech and movement]

Him: I mean, I guess you’re right. But well, I mean, do you see us as boyfriend-girlfriend already?

Me: Umm, well first of all, I’m not here to convince you. But if you’re asking me, my answer is no. We’re not boyfriend and girlfriend yet. But I think that there is something here that I want to explore more. I think there is potential here and that being exclusive is part of the process to getting there.

Him: Well that’s a good point.

Me: Sure, but look. If you’re not feeling the same way, that’s FINE. In fact, that’s exactly why I wanted to have this conversation –to see if we’re on the same page. And if you’re not sure, than I’d rather you move on.

Him: No, no. I think. I think we’re more on the same page than you originally thought.

From there we had a conversation about past relationships in which he confessed that he is usually the guy that falls in love too quickly and gets hurt. I confessed that I am usually the girl that can’t fall in love no matter how much she wants it. He laughed about us being in opposite positions.

I didn’t laugh.

Truth be told, the frozen heart days are starting to look pretty good right about now…

In any case, I made it out of there in one piece and didn’t cry until I got home. On the face of things, “everything’s fine” but I can’t help but think that the conversation went VERY BADLY. And he didn’t react the way someone reacts when they really LIKE you. Right?

So where does that leave me? Cut things off because he didn’t react well enough? Wait and see some more? Pull back and see what he does?

Yes, I think I must do the latter. Pull back a bit and see how HE feels after the momentous talk. Make no moves or communication until I see what he does.

Damn. I forgot how agonizing it is to want something.

[Photo Credit: image by ShadowWalkerPhotography under a CC License]

I’m a self-proclaimed slut.

Wait…first, let me clarify.

“Slut” in this sense of the word, is not some derogatory term used to objectify women and make them feel like a used up gum wrapper to be disposed of in the nearest sewer grate. Instead, I’m using the word slut to refer to a woman who is sexually adventurous, promiscuous at times, embracing and exploring her sexuality safely and responsibly. Society has decided to place unfair constraints on women to make them feel as if flagrant sex is trashy and disgusting-something you should be ashamed of. And to that I say –F you society.

What I wanna know is, why? Who said?

According to what society deems acceptable for women, I’m overly sexual. I enjoy embracing my sexuality as a core component of who I am. I’m proud of it. And, after all, doesn’t the Constitution say I have the right to the “pursuit of happiness?” I’m fully aware that due to my openness about my sexual self, society labels me a slut. What I’d like to tell you is that it’s not all bad.

In fact, there are some great advantages to being a slut:

1. It’s Fun. First and foremost, sex feels good. Why not have some?

2. It Puts a New Relationship on Fast Forward. Sex is a key component to a relationship. If you’re on a first date with a guy you’re into, why not get to know him intimately now instead of going through all that getting to know you crap and finding out he’s bad in the sack?

3. It’s the Perfect Rebound. Sometimes being a slut can help you nurse and mend a broken heart. We’ve all been to the Land of Reboundia, it’s a lonely place but slutdom can make you feel powerful, hot, and wanted again-who doesn’t want that?

4. The “no strings attached” guy is a huge plus of being a slut. There are times where you may not want to be tied down into something serious, or at least not with this particular guy.  I think we’re all too familiar with the hottie that opens his mouth and makes you wanna run for the hills. Yikes!

5. Sluthood can keep you grounded. It will prevent you from confusing desire and affection, lust and love, and you don’t have to choose between celibacy or settling-just do what you want in the moment, no messy relationship drama.

6. Practice makes perfect. Need I say more?

7. It Fills a Need. Personally, sluttiness keeps me centered. It prevents me from getting desperate; I don’t have to be in a relationship to fulfill my human need for sex and affection. I can enjoy the life I have now, instead of waiting for someone to come start it.

8. It Does Away with Formalities. If you go into a night of meaningless sex with the mindset that it’s exactly that & nothing more, your feelings won’t be hurt if he doesn’t remember your name, where you work, or any other pointless information you shared over that last vodka-tonic. Lord knows you can’t remember his info either. What was his name, Tim? Jim? Oh, who cares?

9. You Can Experiment. A one night stand is the perfect opportunity to try something freaky; maybe something you’ve only dreamt about. Ever wanted to try a fantasy but too scared to ask that guy you’ve been casually dating? Ask Mr. One-Night-Stand…who cares about spooking him. You’re never going to see him again anyway.

10. It’s an Unbeatable Splurge. Forget eating or shopping. I often find myself needing a binge of a different variety…, and why shouldn’t I be allowed to indulge in it? Just because I’m not in a monogamous relationship should not prevent me from treating myself to the gorgeous hunk I just met in the back of a cab.

So I say, enjoy yourselves. You can be a slut  –just do it safely, responsibly, and consensually. And once you get what you want, feel free to slink out the backdoor as quickly as you came in. I admire any woman who is comfortable enough with her sexuality to explore and indulge in some delicious man-candy from time to time without being too concerned about what society and it’s more judgmental members might have to say about it.

So grab a man and have your way with him. I won’t judge you.

[Photo Credit: Photo by Helga Weber on Flickr]

Another week, another few dates with JockBoy.

At this stage, we more or less talk/email every day. This is good, right? We’re seeing each other once and sometimes twice a week. Also good, right?

And it’s only been about a month. Five dates.

So……… why can’t I relax and enjoy? Instead I find myself in a constant state of anticipation. I want to know how HE feels about me. I want terms of endearment and I want to claim my rightful title (see below). I want to hear any/all of the following:

**I really like you.

**You make me really happy.

**I love spending time with you.

**I want you all to myself.

In short? I want to be the girlfriend, dammit.

But can I ASK for that? No. I might as well pass him a note in class that says: “Do you like me? Check: Yes or No” because that’s about how mature and capable I feel.

At times like this, I’m sometimes forced to turn to my male BFF for what I know will be an affectionate smackdown. It goes something like this:

Me: I really like him and I want…

Him: Are you serious? Shut the hell the up.

Me: But I..

Him: Are you 16?

Me: Not but I…

Him: No, you aren’t. So stop acting like you’re 16 instead of the sophisticated, glamorous, world traveled, desirable woman that I chose to be my BFF.

Me: Ok, but…

Him: No. You will NOT ask him to be your boyfriend after 5 dates. Are you listening? You will not do that because it’s too soon and you need to go with the flow rather than scare the crap out of him.

Me: *sigh* Ok.

(Seriously, isn’t he great?)

And then I stiffen up and get back out on the field. Because as my male BFF reminds me, that excited feeling doesn’t come along that often. Why not sit with it a little? Wait and see. And after all, I reason, I’d rather hear these things from him because he volunteers them, not because I shook it out of him.

Prescription: Watch and wait…..

Until next time, a few more glasses of wine to settle my anticipating nerves….

(Um, I am. I am counting every date, call, email, text, and just about every heart flutter in between).

On this date, I followed through on a promise to cook for him at his house. His house has a huge gorgeous and totally unused kitchen. So the date starts off in the supermarket with me combing the crowded aisles trying to find the necessary items in an unfamiliar supermarket while he follows along quietly behind me. I feel inept and jittery. He tells me I’m doing fine. Minor blunder at the fish counter when they do not have any fish that I know or recognize and we end up with something random. Gourmet olives are also a no-go and suddenly my recipe is unraveling along with my confidence that I will be able to produce as tasty meal as promised.

Back at the kitchen, we have fun cooking together and I love how he leans close and peers over my shoulder to see what I’m doing. Pretty much anytime he gets within 2 feet, my body temperature doubles.

Yup, I’ve got it bad.

Dinner turns out……ok but he seems easy to please. After eating, we cover some new conversational ground and I get him to open up to me a little bit. This is almost as good as last week when he told me I had beautiful hair. Emotional intimacy is so tantalizing at this stage. I love learning about all the little bits and pieces that make him him.

Finally the evening ajourns on the couch under the very thin guise of watching a movie (which we’d selected earlier). Before the opening credits are finished, we’ve stopped watching and started in on… well you get the idea.

I’m torn between the fact that it might be a little early to get in bed with the man and the fact that I find him entirely irresistable.

Finally he says to me, “Is anyone taking care of your dog tonight?”

I respond, “Is that an invitation?”

He says, “Answer the question first…”

And I think that is where I will end this story today boys and girls. Let me just say that I am walking on clouds. I don’t know if he’s as into me as I am into him. Maybe my heart will get broken or maybe this will be the love of my life. Either way, it’s been a long long time since I felt my heart soaring like this. It’s so great to know that it still works…

[Photo Credit: Photo by Allynfolksjr on Flickr

I know, it varies dramatically. Some loves are slow simmers. Others are bolts of lightening. Still others start as a friendship that develops into something more.

For me, it generally takes an eternity. And often I find that I bond with a man in an emotional-intellectual way before anything else. Sometimes at the EXPENSE of anything else.

Chemistry? I failed it in high school.

But this time… THIS TIME, it’s date 3 with jockboy and I’m to-tal-ly hooked. Go ahead and count me among those poor pathetic souls whose heart goes leaping around like a drunk ballerina. It’s humiliating. And delicious.

And what am I hooked on? I hardly even know this man. And we have nothing in common.

Travel: I’ve traveled through 4 continents. He’s traveled to New Jersey.

Drinks: I love wine, brandy, and martinis. He doesn’t drink.

Hobbies: I enjoy shopping and cooking. He does fantasy football and surfs.

BUT……………….. sparks fly when we get together. We have irresistible banter. We joke. We tease. We talk. I feel tingly when I lay eyes on him or when I feel his hand on my back.

It’s Friday night and we meet up for dinner and a concert that includes his friend’s band. Perfect date set-up. We start with conversation over dinner and then move to the concert venue where we got to lean close to hear each other over the music. Lots of accidentally-on-purpose touching.

At the end of the evening, he asks again if I would come back to his place. This time I say yes. It’s a Friday night. Third date. Time to turn the temperature up a LITTLE bit, right?

Fast forward to his place, sitting on his bedroom floor listening to some CDs when he finally pulls me into his broad arms. I notice that I am actually shivering –the anticipation of it. And this time, the kiss is slow and perfect…

We leave things at a PG rating and lie together face to face. He strokes my hair and comments on what a nice night its been, how comfortable it is. We talk about each other’s eye color. It’s intimate and sweet. And my heart melts down into a sappy little puddle.

He drives me home and I walk out on air until it hits me.

We have no date 4 on the books.

How can this be happening again?!!

So I ask myself and you, do we have different expectations? Is it just me that thinks its important to end each date with a declaration of continued interest? Just when I think I know what’s going on with this guy, I get thrown off. Ugh. I have it SO bad. Help!

(courtesy of gettysgirl on flickr)

So, I know we’re supposed to kiss a lot of frogs and all that but I’m starting to wonder where that expression comes from (ok, ok, it comes from the Frog Prince, I know, but hear me out). Here’s my question. When you kiss a frog, it shouldn’t FEEL like a frog, should it? I’m of the opinion that first kisses should start out sweet and chaste and then maybe bring on some heat towards the close. Leave you wanting more. So what do you make of a BAD first kiss? Does it mean anything? Is kissing something that you can be good or bad at? Or is it more a question of kissing compatibility?

I’m on my 2nd date with JockBoy which took a week and a half due to mutual scheduling issues. And we have a GOOD night but not as great as I’d hoped. I have this sense that we’ve lapsed back to the first phase where you have to restart the progression from polite conversation to flirty banter. Still, there are highlights. He compliments me on my outfit (I beam!) and little physical touches here and there –something I already love about him.

As the night comes to a close, we are strolling around and running out of obvious conversation topics. It’s a weeknight so I can’t linger too much longer but I’m hoping he’ll say something about setting up the next date (after all, I don’t want to go through the torture of last week where I was waiting and wondering!). And then the moment comes where he pauses as if to ask me something, and I know he’s about to say something about having a great time and wanting to do it again soon. Finally he looks at me and smiles and says,

“Do you want to come back to my place?”

whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Hey, if there are any guys reading this, please chime in here. Because as a woman, I read this as code for sex (or at least a heavy hook-up) and its only date 2. I give him the benefit of the doubt that he didn’t know how jarring that would sound in my ears (the loop in my head goes something like, what does he take me for? A slut? Did I somehow give out the signal that I am looking for casual sex? Is that all HE’S after?). I know people have different policies on when they’re ready to hook up but for me, date 2 is far too soon. So really, even if he’s dying to show me his new kitchen remodel, I’d rather he save it for dates 4+.

What I actually SAY to him is,”Um…………. I would love to see your place but maybe we can save that for another time?”

So instead he drives me home and then we’re back to the scene of the crime from date 1 where the infamous kiss and date plan did NOT take place as I’d hoped/expected. But this time, I know he is into me. All the little signs are there and I’ve now concluded that he and I must be playing by different dating rule books. More specifically, I am playing by dating rules and he is not. So I do something uncharacteristic and say, “So! Am I going to see you again?” Looking dumbfounded, he says, “Um, yeaaaa-AH” (with the tone of “OF COURSE, duh!”). Schedules are discussed and then finally the kiss arrives.

It starts out well enough but somewhere between seconds 1 and 15, things go from “polite” to “warp speed” and suddenly there is too much tongue, too much pressure, too much of too much!

I walk away confused, thinking, heeeeeeeey, is this becoming a physical thing? How dare he stick his tongue down my throat on our first kiss? and yet another part of me is thinking,

DAMN. This thing has got some heat to it.

Until next time, date 3 is in the works. Stay tuned and wish me luck!

1. Not all men are actually 6ft tall. Here’s a fact that Christie has been preaching for years. Apparently, 6ft is basically the gold standard for all men so it’s common to “round up.”

2. Women lie about their height too. I guess some of us have that model fantasy but I’m 5′2″ and happy about it. I figure it keeps the dating pool wide open. All men are taller than me and I can wear the highest heels I want. Why would I want to stretch it?

3. People are not as rich as they say. Turns out, we’re all lying about this one (although personally, I never answer that question). Men are stretching the truth further than women but on average, there’s about a 20% inflation represented in online profiles.

4. Profile photos aren’t always recentAren’t they sneaky over at OKC? They went back to the photo coding and they can see when the file was created. They worked it out that the most attractive photos are the most likely to be out of date. That makes sense to me though. It’s not often you take a really great photo of yourself. When you do, you tend to hang onto it longer. My advice is just to mention the date in the caption.

5. Bisexuals aren’t bisexuals. Apparently, people who categorize themselves as bi-sexuals are spending the majority of their time contacting only one gender category. I have no idea why and nothing more to say on it.

Read the full study here.

Do you ever lie on your profile? Have you ever met someone in person and felt that had misled you with their profile?

So…. after waiting a long 18 hours (yes, hours) sadly watching my phone and email inbox, I finally hear from Jockboy. By text.

Now what are our thoughts on this? I know some women balk at texting as a form of communication but I stand firm that texting has a fun, if not vital, place in the world of dating. Like so many things (cheese for example), it’s not good to live on it exclusively. But a well timed text can be a delightful surprise.

And so it is for me in this case. His text contains a little flirtation mentioning the lack of kiss at the end of the date. Spicey. Flirty. I like it.

…..Unless this is a sign that he’s just after me for sex?…….

So I flirt back with another text and then let it sit. After all, if he wants my time, he needs to call and line up another date. Right? Knowing he’s away over the weekend, I put his call on a mental timer of Sunday evening. And just like clockwork, late on Sunday afternoon, he calls. Damn. I AM good at this.

Of course I let it go to voicemail because I am busy and desirable and cannot always get to my phone. But when I call back, he asks about my week and moves to set up date 2. Hoorah! And he has actual IDEAS. Hooray! He mentions an outdoor concert or a game of bingo. Bingo? Thinking I misheard in that obvious way (like if someone were to tell you that they have to change the tires on their elephant this weekend), I sputter, “Ha! I thought you said BINGO!”

Him: Oh…. um, I did say bingo.

Me: Oh! Oh, you DID. Oh… oh my gosh. You know what, that is hilarious but in a good way.

So a few emails later and we’re on the calendar for dinner and bingo. I’m nervous and excited.

And what will I wear……..?

[Photo Credit: Photo by Ballistik Coffee Boy on Flickr]

(courtesy of bredgur on flickr)

So after all the failures in my recent Match.com dates, I decided to switch things up and discard my usual wishlist (older, advanced degree, world traveled, knowledgeable about wine, etc). Instead I set my criteria at “has a bachelors degree and is really cute.”

Enter Jockboy. Two years younger than me (normal for many people but still makes me feel like a baby snatcher somehow). The idea of jockboy was mostly a snooze to me as his profile was hardly filled out and he pretty much thwarted any attempt at email communication and moved things right to the phone. (Why is that? People love to talk before meeting but I hate it. Nothing weirds me out more than a headless voice of a person I’ve never met). Our call was mostly dry except for one tiny little jab (read flirtation) he made towards the end of the call that made think, hmmmmmmmm…..

Oh and also, his photos were SO CUTE.

So fast forward, and we meet in person. And here begins the rollercoaster.

First impression– he doesn’t look like his photos. Second impression— he is actually really cute, just not like the photos (a different but equally good type of cute). And then we open our mouthes. Our icebreaking conversation? Mortgages and home ownership. Yup. Inside I am dying. It is minute 4 and the thought of sustaining the conversation for even an hour is horrific.

Suddenly, he suggests we change venues since the bar/resto we were at was very very quiet. And then just as suddenly, once we’re outside walking in the sunshine, the conversation perks up and morphs into this wonderful banter. Phew! So by the time we finish our chicken sandwiches, I am feeling something very strange that I can barely identify.

Wait…. it’ll come to me. It’s like ….nervous. No, that’s not it. Dizzy? No…. Overcaffienated? …….No! It’s a crush! The check hasn’t even arrived and I have a crush! Wheeee!

Holy shit. What if he finds ME repulsive? This would be my luck. After 2 years of shrugging in indecision about wonderful and generous men who offered me everything………. I’m not shrugging. Oh………Shit.

At some point during the meal, he mentions that he could give me a ride home so that I don’t have to do the public transport battle.

He likes me!

Though he did kinda say it in that way that you offer someone’s kid sister a lift…. After that, the check arrives and he pays. And then I can only point to my shrugless mania as the reason for why I break into a cold sweat when he says the words, “Wanna head out?”

My heart sinks. We’ve only had a quick dinner and he’s ready to bail! Alas! It is my fate…….I respond in classic Molly Ringwald style, “Oh sure, I mean whatever, I mean if you WANTED to get another drink, that’d be fine. Or not. I mean it’s all fine with me.”

Him: “Um…….. enh. I could go either way.”

Me: [sure that we are discussing each other and not the drinks] “You know what? That’s fine. Let’s just go.”

Outside now and nearing his car, I resign myself to wear a stiff upper lip and take the brush off like a man (or, well, you get the point). Instead, he suggests we take a walk through the neighborhood.

wait!…….does he like me or not?

So the stroll turns into a dessert coffee in a cute little cafe (the kind without recognizable corporate logos) where they are having a little film night. Cute. While waiting in line, I am craning to see what film is playing on the screen and that is when, out of nowhere, Jockboy puts his arm around my waist and gently pulls me over to where I can see better.

He DOES like me!!! (and his touch feels really good). Did I mention he also SMELLS really good?

The banter continues and I’m really excited about this blend of flirtation and genuine getting-to-know-eachother conversation. Coffee finished, we head back out into the night. I muster up a little courage and say, “So is that offer for a ride home still valid?”

Him: “Um……………..Well, are we at least walking in the right direction to get you to public transportation?”

Me: [bug eyes and tongue tied into silence]

Him: “I’m kidding” [he elbow pokes me]

Seriously?! Are we on the elementary school program here or is he messing with me on purpose?

We walk to his car and he opens the door for me. Conversation carries easily on the ride to my house and I don’t even give Date 2 a passing thought. It’s obvious! I have no doubt that he will ask me out again AND I’m thinking I might even get a kiss goodnight —something that I almost NEVER do, but the chemistry with this guy is ——palpable.

And then, get this. He pulls up to my house. I mew about having had a nice night, etc. You know, all the things the woman is supposed to say to give the guy the green light to ask her out again. He nods along, agrees. And then, nothing.

Did he NOT get my cue?

Then we hug and its a GOOD hug. A tight one where he does the second squeeze to make it linger. At this point, I know the signs and I can tell that he is going to kiss me. We pull out of the hug and I linger as dictated by dating norms. And…… nothing. For a split second, I feel foolish, thinking that my face is hanging around near his without any purpose. So I quickly pull back.

And then, confused, I sorta repeat the cycle of thanking him, wishing him a good night, etc. Finally, with nothing else TO do, I reach for the car door handle and make my exit.

And now ladies of the jury. Tell me. Will I ever hear from him again?