Serving as permanent counsel, advisor, and general know-it-all to her friends for as long as anyone can remember, Jess has a gift for telling you what’s what. Got a question? Fire away. She’ll be just like your best friend (only more honest!)

Ask Jess: Broke and Confused

Posted by Jess - 14/07/09 at 05:07 am

Dear Jess,

I know this is an age old question, but my friends disagree. Who should pay on the first date?

Signed,Broke and Confused

Dear Broke and Confused,

Indeed this is an age old question but let me cut to the core of it. He pays.

Now let me back pedal. In most cases the man pays. Are there exceptions? Of course. Perhaps you have a fabulous job and he’s still in school. Perhaps he recently became unemployed. Perhaps he’s from a culture where everyone splits the check (I’m looking at you Holland and Scandinavia!).

But back here in the US of A, when we’re talking about gainfully employed singletons in their 20s, 30s, and 40s, then customs dictate that he pays. If I am on a first date and the guy doesn’t pay, alarms go off. Lights flash. Red flags wave in the distance.

Is this because I am cheap or greedy? Because I have old fashioned ideas about dating? Because I think that men are the breadwinners? NO! It’s because this is our culture. Like it or not, better or worse, that is the custom. If you believe in splitting things 50/50, great, save that for date number 4 or 5. But in the early pre-relationship days, there is an unwritten code that says the man pays. It doesn’t have to be Nobu. It’s just the gesture.

How are YOU supposed to handle it? Do you cringe the moment that faux leather billfold hits the table? Listen up, because getting this wrong can foul up an otherwise good date. Execution is specific but simple. When the check arrives, you have 3 options (feel it out):

1. You reach for your wallet.
2. You say, “Hey, can I help with that?”
3. If he’s slapped down a credit card with blinding speed, “How about I get the tip?”

In all of the above cases, a proper guy will say, “no, no, I insist.” And it’s the next move that some women get wrong. You don’t say, “oh gosh, but that was so expensive, I wouldn’t have ordered the lobster.” or, “are you sure?” or, “Well I hope you let me pay next time.” And no, it doesn’t matter whether you’ve decided to see him again or not. You don’t insist on paying just because you’ve decided he’s not the man for you. To do so would be insulting.

So, pay attention. This man just did something very nice for you! What did your mother teach you? Say THANK YOU. A simple, “I really enjoyed the meal/restaurant, thank you so much.” Said with a bright smile, this is called courtesy. Then watch for the look of relief on his face. It’s a tense moment for both genders.

Jess

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 14th, 2009 at 5:16 AM and is filed under AskJess. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.