Jess on Tap:You Shouldn’t Live Together (Just Yet)
Posted by Jess - 10/02/11 at 11:02 am
Last week, I talked about the aggravation of splitting time between your house and his. In the comments, some of you (understandably) suggested that moving in together would solve a lot of these problems.
Which problems? The shuffling back and forth of clothing and possessions, the lost time commuting between houses, the duplication of bills and expenses across two homes, the growing recognition that you spend all of your time with each other anyway.
So moving in together, well, it just makes good sense. Right?
Maybe. Maybe not. Today, I thought it would be fun to make the argument against moving in. Ready? Here goes.
1. Quantity vs Quality:
Looking forward to a time when you don’t have to schedule your time together? Where you start and end each day in bed together? Sounds great. But once you and your boo live under the same roof, much of your time together will be spent on mundane things like doing dishes, walking the dog, paying bills, or doing separate activities in separate rooms like browsing online for purses (you) or new cameras (him), playing a video game, talking on the phone, reading a book, taking a bath, etc. After awhile, you may realize that while you see each other all the time, you rarely make time to really talk, connect, engage in a shared activity, do romantic things, or even go out on a date.
In the early part of a relationship however, you probably plan dates each week. Whether you sit and watch a boring movie on the couch or you take in dinner and theater downtown, you are making a deliberate choice to spend time together, time that is dedicated to each other.
Think about those early dates… You enthusiastically anticipate the time leading up to them. You greet your boyfriend with a little leap of excitement because you missed him after only a few days. You spend the time catching up on each other’s news. Talking. Listening.
Once you live together, it can be much harder to divide your time between couple time, alone time, and time for other activities/people. You may find that you have very different expectations about how to split up this time. And that can result in feeling smothered or neglected.
2. You can always go forward but its hard to go back.
Relationships grow in stages. And just like it wouldn’t feel right to introduce someone to your parents on the first date, I think that household mergers have their proper place in the chronology too. That’s not to say that you can put a timer on it or that its the same point for everyone. But, I would suggest that cohabitation comes with its own set of challenges (and rewards!) that will taste sweeter and feel more comfortable only when you’ve savored the last drops of the earlier stage –a stage where you plan dates, romance each other, and have lots of sex. Hey, who wants to rush that? Right?
3. Bills and Chores
Once you share a home together, you’re no longer just lovers and playmates. Suddenly, you’ve got bizniz to do together. What bizniz, you ask? I mean the dog who needs to go to the vet. Someone’s brother who needs to be picked up at the airport. The trash that needs to be taken out. The garbage disposal that’s on the fritz again. The dead spider in the bathroom. The electric bill that’s overdue. The front walk that needs to be shoveled from last night’s snow storm. All of these fun activities are your new shared projects! Back when you were a visitor his place, you could step over his pile of dirty socks without a care in the world. But once it’s your place, you’ll be thinking of how his mess is encroaching on your stuff or how it will look when your friends and family come over. See my point?
Moving in together is a wonderful, exciting step in the progression of your relationship. But don’t do it because your apartment lease is about to end, you want to save on bills, or because you want to secure your relationship by rushing into a deeper commitment. Go into it with open eyes, a clear understanding of your partner, and the very best of intentions. Seek it out when you’ve fully explored your lives together as a new couple and because you are fully ready for the next step.
And once you have made the leap, may I suggest this set of monogrammed hand towels from Etsy along with my congratulations? hee hee.
Image Credit: Link Source (via weheartit)
