Jess on Tap: Do you believe in Love and Unicorns?
Posted by Jess - 06/01/11 at 08:01 amIt’s not by accident that I entered my 30s as an unmarried woman. It wasn’t for lack of opportunity, desire, or emotional readiness. It’s because I was still looking for a unicorn.
I’m well aware of what my other options are because I’ve tried them out. And I know plenty of people who’ve taken those same options and built a life plan on top of them. You know them too.
The Princess Effect… I think there are some women who choose a man based on the level of blind devotion he offers. It’s less about what is attractive about him and more about what he gives her. It’s not necessarily monetary contributions, its the way he worships her, defers to her, and generally gives her the driving seat. Sometimes the man is considered less attractive than her so there’s this implication that she’s done him a favor by marrying him and, in return, he owes her a lifetime of service and devotion.
I’ve dated men who wanted to make me a princess but I don’t want a servant. I don’t want someone who cows to me, who encourages my worst, most selfish instincts and who will slowly and surely come to resent the bully he’s allowed me to become. I’ve tried it out. The guy who doesn’t understand why you picked him, who has no opinion of his own, and who would do anything to keep you. I can’t stomach it.
The Roller Coaster Relationship… Then there is the other side of that coin, a side I’ve also spent some time on. It’s the relationship that is fraught with passion, excitement and intrigue –but comes up short on substance, stability, depth, and balance. You know the girl who chooses a guy who makes her pulse quicken but who possesses some fatal flaw, holds her at arms length, never fully gives himself over to her. He can never fulfill her needs so he always leaves her wanting. It’s tantalizing and exciting until the storminess becomes more than she can bear or he leaves her because, in the end, his own self-absorbed problems take priority over her. Relationships like these can chew you up and spit you out.
There are other scenarios too, but these two represent the ones I’ve seen most often in my own life and among friends. It’s left me to wonder, at times, if a perfect balance is really attainable.
The Unicorn… In a perfect world, it’s what we all want –a relationship of mutual (and lasting) love, passion, admiration, and respect. In one word? Balance. It doesn’t seem like an unreasonable expectation. We see it depicted in our movies, written in verse on Hallmark cards, and cross-stitched neatly on pillows. And yet, when we actually look around us, it seems hard to point to examples of it out in the real world, … let alone to find it for yourself.
But I do know a few. Those couples who place their marriage above all other things (even their own children). They are not the ones advertising their happy unions. They’re the ones you catch squeezing each others’ hands under the table at a poignant moment. The ones whose post-it note of encouragement to the other you might accidentally find on the kitchen counter. The ones who have their own pursuits and friendships but who are made better by their spouse.
Right before Christmas, one of my favorite blogs The Frisky ran an article listing the top reasons why women stay single. The author offered a litany of mistakes women make which prevent them from landing a man. What I found so disappointing about this article was that it completely overlooked the possibility that there are happy and healthy women who are single simply because they are waiting for the right match. We’re not seeking perfection or a fairy tale. We just hold out for a quality partner and refuse to settle for less just to join the ranks of the married.
Unicorns are uncommon but they are out there. And every time we spot one, we’re inspired to keep looking.
[Photo Credit: Image by Martyn and Debz on Flickr under a CC License]
