He Says/She Says with SmooveSalsero! Part 1: I Love You?
Posted by Christie - 20/01/11 at 08:01 amAfter a feisty tweet-off about dating rules with one of our favorite readers, Myron (aka SmooveSalsero), we thought it’d be fun to pin him down about some of our favorite dating “issues” and see how our opinions compared. Are men and women really that different? Do we *maybe* see things the same way? Wait–don’t answer that!!
But instead of viewing men as the Coke, and women as the Pepsi, maybe our he said/she said will out us all as Dr. Pepper?
As such, we bring you….. our newest he says/she says!
1. Who should say “I Love You” first? Is there a timeline/deadline where it has to be said?
He says: I know many women would feel like they’d be waiting forever and half an eternity for this to happen with certain guys, but I think it should be the man who says “I love you” first. A younger, less mature version of myself would disagree with what I am about to say, but I am a firm believer that it should be the man who initiates and sets the tone of a relationship. Why, you ask? Consider these things: even the most independent, liberal, “I-don’t-need-a-man” type of woman wants to feel desired and pursued; that the man that is with her chose her above any other woman. Even the laziest, timid, wishy-washy, unassertive man will go after something if he really wants it. Ladies, you would rather have a guy that really wants you as opposed to a guy that just kinda wants you or isn’t sure if he wants you, right? If you have to say “I love you” first, he either isn’t sure he that he does, or he doesn’t love/want you enough.
Now, here’s where it gets complicated. If you tell a guy you love him first, he may stick around and tell you what you want to hear. Why would he do this? Here’s an analogy that may help. I prefer Pepsi over Coke (yet, I’m from the South… go figure). I don’t dislike Coke, but if I have my choice and I really want a soda, I’m going to get a Pepsi. However, if you just happen to offer me a free Coke, I’m probably not going to turn it down. Now, if you give me Diet Coke, which I really can’t stand the taste of, I’m probably going to turn you down, unless I’m just dying of thirst. Get the picture? If something free just falls into someone’s lap, said person is not going to turn it down unless he or she truly does not like whatever it is. Same as with a relationship: unless the guy is one of the more honorable of the gender or he just finds you completely repulsive, he is going to let you hang around instead of telling you he really doesn’t like you like that, because having you around is better than not having a girlfriend.
As far as a timeline or deadline, I don’t think you can put a rule or guideline on it. You have to know that for yourself. How long is too long for you? It also depends on the other person. Whether you’re a woman waiting on the guy to say it first or you’re the guy and you’re waiting for her to reciprocate, you have to decide for yourself if that person is worth it. You have to know your own worth first, and from there you can determine if your time is being wasted or not.
Christie Says: SmooveSalsero makes really good points…and now I am also craving a soda (I also like Pepsi!). I think I’ve mostly had relationships where I do find that the man says “I love you” first…to me, that has signified his commitment to a serious relationship that is definitely going somewhere.
However, I do think that there is something to be said for girl power, and for cutting through the crap. When I was in my early 20’s, I often felt I was game playing rather than really committing. I had a set of arbitrary rules in my mind, and I would hang onto someone longer than I should have because I was following the rulebook and waiting on him to act like the plot of some sort of 1940’s movie. As I get older, I realize that I don’t have the time or patience for game playing or waiting around…so, I often just cut to the chase. Granted, this may not mean saying “I love you” first, but it does mean that if I don’t feel it, or if my gut twinges and says “this doesn’t feel quite right” then I move on.
I do this because I whole-heartedly believe that you know. In a good relationship you know if he loves you and you love him, regardless if the words have been spoken or not. It’s shown in every small way–how you talk to each other, how you take of each other, even with how you look at each other (with that special sparkle in your eye! Versus, you know, a creepy stare). And if you feel after a certain period of time that you don’t know, or you feel like you need to say it in order to find out, then you are in denial about his feelings and probably just kidding yourself. I say this knowing it is harsh, but I honestly believe that it is a basic truth.
As to the timeline–whenever it feels right. Say it. Don’t be afraid to shout it from the rooftops. If you feel that certain, then he does too.
