Top 10 Things I’d Do if I Were a Reality TV star
Posted by Jess - 11/08/10 at 11:08 amJess compiles an important to-do list in the case of instant reality TV fame.
These days everyone but your neighbor has had his shot at a reality TV show gig. After watching various forms of reality TV over the years, I can’t help but wonder.. how would I personally handle the fame?
Here is my list of the things I would do as soon as my star began to rise. What have I missed?
1. Call my parents before the show airs and beg them not to watch. Also, to apologize. They’ll understand why soon enough.
2. Contact all my ex-boyfriends/dates and offer them “financial incentive” not to talk to US Weekly. Blackmail? Yes. And probably underutilized.
3. Get hair extensions. I don’t need them but I feel this is required, no? Is the same true for breast implants? Botox? That’s where I draw the line.
4. Have my agent call Scott Speedman’s agent to get a headstart on our wedding plans. We are WAY behind. Come to think of it, this should probably number one on the list.
5. Invest in expansive collection of bikinis and cases of champagne (hot tub scenes).
6. Hire a shady accountant to claim teeth whitening, manicures, spa visits and possibly shoe purchases as tax write-offs.
7. Failing number 6, pimp self out for product endorsements that afford me free luxuries. From what I hear, reality TV doesn’t pay that well.
8. Find a therapist trained in table-flip and hair-pulling survivor counseling.
9. Start incorporating phrases like, “bitch, please”; “it’s an injustice”; “You don’t even know me”; and “I’m sorry but…” into my everyday speech. Practice tone of voice that conveys faux concern.
10. Have a lawyer draw up a copyright claim outlining my absolute rights to any and all sex tapes that may surface now and forever into the future (a girl should at least get a chance to airbrush).
[Photo Credit: Photo by Helga Weber on Flickr on a CC license]
