Serving as permanent counsel, adviser, and general know-it-all to her friends for as long as anyone can remember, Jess has a gift for telling what’s what.

Ask Jess: What Can You Learn from His Dating History?

I’ve always been a big fan of the clean slate concept. When it gets to the point with someone new where dating history comes up, I’ll usually say, “give me the broad strokes.” I don’t want details. I don’t even need names. Tell me how long you were together and why (ideally in one sentence or less!) you broke up.

Why? Because it spoils the well. Clouds the water. Gets into my head. I don’t like to think of where you’ve been before me. Gives me visuals I don’t like. It’s the same reason I don’t buy used shoes. Eww.

Online dating supports the cause. Dating profiles don’t mention exes. Instead you get the cheerful unsoiled portraits of men fresh-out-of-the-box and ready to settle down. I’m not saying I believe all of that but…..appearance is everything, right?!

But stumbling on a person’s past is nearly inevitable. In the age of blogging, tweeting, and Facebook there’s a good chance that you’ll run into the ex-files at some point. And if you’re actively looking for it,  you’re likely to find mountains of info –with photo and video!

So you’re going to find it. The question is what do you DO with it?

Nothing.

Easier said than done (trust me, I know). It’s tempting, soooo tempting, to size up someone’s past relationships and use them for predictive value. You see a photo of his ex and now you’re convinced that he prefers blondes. You learn that he broke it off when she wanted to move in, and now you’re convinced that he can’t commit.

If he cheated or abused her, then you have every right to be wary (while researching the laws on restraining orders in your state). But the rest of it….. the “he said, she said,” the opinions of friends who chose sides, the angry text message uncovered, the photo of them while they were happy, all of that is the past. And it’s far better to leave it there.

Some of us have patterns –we all know those girls who date the same loser again and again. But most of us don’t. Most of us have broken someone’s heart -and had ours broken. Most of us have given enormously to our partners at times. And at other times, we’ve been shamefully selfish. Depending on who you ask, which relationship you observe, you can get wildly different ideas about who we are. The truth is that no one single relationship defines us. Each one affects us differently. Each person draws something different from us.

Hopefully we learn a little each time and do a better job for the next person. Leave the past in the past. Yours and his.

[Photo Credit: Photo by Brymo on Flickr under a CC License]

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 24th, 2010 at 12:29 PM and is filed under Jess on Tap, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.