Serving as permanent counsel, adviser, and general know-it-all to her friends for as long as anyone can remember, Jess has a gift for telling what’s what.

Ask Jess: Your One-Night Stand Could be the Start of a Great Relationship

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Recently a friend (who shall remain anonymous) asked me about the perils of the ONS (One Night Stand). As women, we’re taught from very early on that the ONS is a sin from which you cannot turn back. After all, aren’t the bulk of our dating rules/advice/theories centered around the idea of withholding sex? If you give it away on the first night, all bets are off. You’ll be inevitably sucked into an emotional vacuum from which you cannot recover because, well, you’ve given away all of your leverage.

Right?

Still, my friend wondered aloud (whispered behind a closed door) if it weren’t somehow possible, in some cases, for the ONS to actually become a relationship.

I had good news for her. It CAN. And while you certainly won’t get me to endorse it as your signature dating move, I will say that there are some potential positives in starting out this way. I’ve known quite a few women who went home with a man who later became their boyfriend.

I can’t go as far as to write The Case for a One Night Stand (although that does have a ring to it, no?) but let’s discuss the positives along with a few disclaimers.

And MEN, please do chime in with your take on things. I think women may be surprised at what you have to say.

Are you ready?

* When it comes to the ONS, it seems to me that men do not judge women as harshly (if at all) as women judge themselves. Please understand that many a ONS is just a sloppy hook-up. But it seems to me that men see sex as something that simply happens when it happens –whether that be the first night or the 5th, it doesn’t matter much to them. And it doesn’t much affect the course that the relationship takes. It will succeed or fail based on any number of factors, but the timing of sex probably doesn’t rank highly among them. The point here is that if he wasn’t terribly interested in or attracted to you the night you met, you probably won’t see him again –whether you sleep with him or not. The reverse is also true. If he’s very interested, sleeping with him won’t ruin it. It could even enhance it.

[Note: I'm talking about your contemporary 20-30 something urban man and screening out for religion, conservative values, etc]

[Note: If you were sloppy drunk, he may not be interested in seeing you again either. But that's because, hey, sloppy drunk just isn't attractive --sex or no sex.]

* It provides a chance to test for physical compatibility from the outset. I don’t want to get crude about it, but let’s just say that I’ve heard some “locker room talk” from women who dated a fantastic guy for several weeks, became deeply attached, only to be terribly disappointed once they finally hit the sheets. Is that ultimately a deal breaker? You be the judge. Or watch a few episodes of Sex and the City and call me afterward.

* It throws a giant wrench into our overly formal dating rituals. There’s something sort of liberating when you turn the whole system on it’s head. The two day rule. Playing hard to get. Really, what’s the point? You already slept with him! The jig is up! The rules are out the window! There, isn’t that a relief?

* It’s like dating backwards. If you start out with a sleepover, let’s call that date 5. The critical move that will carry this from a one-time romp to a potentially long-term something is going back to complete dates 1-4. If your next encounters all involve a bar and a late night phone call, well congratulations, you’ve found yourself a #$#%-buddy. If your your meeting is a conversation over a nice dinner —well you might learn that you’ve found something more than just a piece of hot property.

In SUMMARY, I’m not encouraging you to go out there to the bar and claw unsuspecting men into your bed (although if you DO, please, please send me the details). But if you find yourself in a ONS situation, take a moment to evaluate your man candy before you automatically slink out —tail between your legs. Occasionally, Mr. Right Now could actually be Mr. Right.

In the meantime, have fun, be good, and tell me all about it.

Jess

[Editor's Note: Since publication, Matchmaker Samantha Daniels wrote a great article about the role of sex and dating. I think many of her sentiments echo my own. It's worth a read.]

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 25th, 2010 at 11:00 AM and is filed under Jess on Tap. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.