Serving as permanent counsel, advisor, and general know-it-all to her friends for as long as anyone can remember, Jess has a gift for telling you what’s what. Got a question? Fire away. She’ll be just like your best friend (only more honest!)

Ask Jess: No Do-Overs

Posted by Jess - 10/11/09 at 08:11 am

In last week’s column I talked about being compassionate when you have to let someone go. Bill, one of our commenters, added a principle which I also agreed with: never take back your ex. It reminds me of something Oprah once said, “an ex is an ex for a reason.” As a rule, I hate it when a sentence is restructured to repeat itself (”it is what it is,” “what goes around comes around,” “what will be will be”) and we’re supposed to find it so profound. But in the case of exes, this sentiment is perfectly appropriate because (in my experience) repeating a relationship almost never changes the outcome. It’s just like when they remake an old movie. The setting and the wardrobe might be updated, but the characters play the same roles. The outcome is the same. My theory is that the only time you can successfully date an ex is when you want something different than you wanted the first time.

And having tested this theory more times than I care to share, well, I should know.

Oh ok, how about I share a few?

Case #1: Big Love: He was the man of my dreams but circumstances forced us apart. He broke my heart once but it was only because time, distance, and the planets were not aligned in our favor. Years later, with all of those obstacles removed, I sought him out thinking that the path was clear for us to give it a real shot. Verdict? He broke my heart again. And the second time left no doubt that it was the man and not the setting that influenced the outcome.

Case #3: The Guy I Didn’t Appreciate: He was the guy that all my friends were in love with. He was handsome, doting, and very sexy. But I wasn’t looking to settle down. My eyes wandered. I was young and immature. Years later, our paths crossed again by coincidence. Fate! Older, wiser, and better able to appreciate him for the man he was, I asked him for a 2nd chance. We spent a week’s vacation together which was lovely and yet…… that little something that was missing before? Still missing. Despite my more mature outlook, we lacked that ‘je ne sais quoi.’ And even an endless supply of island drinks and couples massage couldn’t alter the path towards a repeat break-up, leaving him hurt and me guilt-ridden.

Case #3: GameChanger: He was the guy that wasn’t the man of my dreams but he dropped me anyway. We dated at a time when the scales were tipped in his favor. I was unemployed, he had a glamorous job. I was a foreigner unfamiliar with local customs, he was a big fish in a little pond. When he broke it off, he told me to give up on my dreams. A year later, fortune finally smiled on me. By the time we ran into each other again, I was in a great new job, new apartment, and living a glamorous life of globetrotting. The tables were turned and I knew it. I no longer wanted any kind of relationship with the man, but I wanted the satisfaction of knowing he was  still attracted to me and that he regretted dropping me. I wanted to regain the upper hand. And I got it. Over a series of flings, the terms of our relationship changed until I got bored of it. There was absolutely no risk of my heart being broken a second time because my heart never made an appearance on set.

With every rule, there is an exception. There are definitely examples of people who make it work the second time around. I would simply suggest that those are not the norm. So why not start fresh?

Got any good “ex revisited” stories to share? I would love to hear them! Leave a comment and tell me all about it.

Jess

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 10th, 2009 at 8:45 AM and is filed under AskJess. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.