Over the holidays, I experienced a true Christmas miracle.  No, it did not come in the form of a fat man in a red suit, nor did it have anything to do with the fact that I made it through an entire Christmas dinner without getting the third degree on why at 27, I was still committing the cardinal sin of singlehood.  Instead, it happened on a random Wednesday night, when I was out grabbing a beer at the local bar with some from friends.  And it came in the form of man, a very cute man, who casually sent me a flirtatious wave across the bar.  I accepted the wave as an invitation to start a conversation, and within a few minutes I was divvying out my digits; three days later, I had a date.

I feel that outcomes of first dates can usually be determined within the first five minutes.  I like to put my first dates on the traditional elementary school grading scale.

U- unsatisfactory: Non entertaining and often uncomfortable in which case you down your drink, make up an excuse, and abort mission as soon as possible.

S- satisfactory: Where the masses fall, interesting enough to hold a conversation but not a soul shaker. You let the date run its course, maybe allow him to kiss you goodnight, and even consider a second round if it happens to be a particular dry season in your dating life.

O- outstanding: The elitist, easy to talk to and a true connection is formed.  Unfortunately, finding the good “Os” are few and far between…( Just the same as the other elusive “O” we all search for) but these are the rare dates you don’t want to leave, where you don’t check your cell phone for the time, and when you really wish you would have taken the extra ten minutes to put yourself together, because for once, you actually care about impressing this guy.

For the first time in a very long time, I had found myself on a true “O” date.  Maybe it was the fact that he told me his dream vacation would be through India and Southeast Asia, the same getaway I often fantasize about.  Or it could be that he openly admitted to being an avid Ninja Turtle fan and seemed impressed when I told him that was my previous Halloween costume.  But I think what sealed the deal was when, in the middle of a conversation, he simply leaned across the table, kissed me, and his only explanation was that he “had to do it.”

Over the next 72 hours, I went to great lengths to get to know Mr. O. I brought in 2012 with him and his closest high school friends.  I took him to a New Year’s Day party where I introduced him to my tight knit group of coworkers.  I even shared beers with his father (who shared the same attractiveness and great sense of humor) over an Eagles game.  It was pretty much a relationship on crack.  We went from not knowing each other, to meeting each other’s closest family and friends over a three day span.  It may sound crazy, but for some reason it felt completely natural. But everyone knows, no great high can last forever and just like that, he was gone. On a plane back to his home in Denver, Colorado.

Yes, my “O+” lives in Colorado. Of course he does, it makes perfect sense. The only guy I have been genuinely interested in past year lives 1,747 miles away.

So now what?  When I was 12 I received some wisely advice from my friend’s grandmother that has stuck with me the past 15 years, “No man is worth going to the outhouse for,” and while at 27 I am still completely confused by that statement, I believe the sentiment is that no man is worth a great deal of effort .  But, even with the advent of indoor plumbing, I don’t know if I agree with that either.

I believe it is extremely rare to find someone with whom you have true chemistry and despite the fact my new friend lives nearly 2,000 miles away, this has been one of the healthiest starts to a relationship I’ve had in a long time. We have mastered every form of communication (minus Facebook: refer to Facebook Friend or Foe…I follow my own advice) that this great year of 2012 has to offer.  Between text messages, free long distance calls, Skype, email, gchat, and the traditional snail mail, I have had a sincere opportunity to get to know him. Even though I can’t physically see him, the more I get to know him, the more my interest grows.  Obviously the physical aspect is lacking, but in all honesty, maybe that’s a good thing for now.  To be fair, when you reach a certain age, many relationships are created almost primarily on the fact that you have good sexual chemistry with your partner. We’ve all confused good sex for a good relationship. I mean let’s face it, we’re animals, we like to get naked with one another, and if we can find someone with whom we can do that on a regular basis, that’s awesome. However, finding someone you enjoy actually talking to for hours at a time? That is rare.  And if and when you do find that person, I don’t think it’s fair to completely rule them out due to the simple inconvenience of location.

So, maybe some men are worth going to the outhouse for?   Or at least booking a ticket across the nation to see?  I mean after all…

“In the end we only regret the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were afraid to have and the decisions we waited too long to make.”

Colorado here I come.

A debate has been raging here at CG Central — a debate of epic proportions (at least TWO dinner parties and one long string of emails).  It centers around the age old question that has taunted philosophers, monarchs, and small children alike: Who should say “I love you” first?

Yes. YES. We know you understand.  See, the working theory here at CG Central is that both parties know in advance.  There is a moment when you realize that you are in love with the person you are dating, and usually in that moment you go: “oooooohhh” but you don’t say anything….yet.  You hold onto it because you aren’t sure of the other person’s feelings, you don’t want to move to fast, it’s a really odd time. Whatever the reason…you hold back.  But should it matter who says it first? If two parties love each other then isn’t everything kosher regardless of the three words of potential doom?

Well, we are tired of debating.  We throw in the very small towel and ask you, dear readers, to decide.  You tell us: Boy or Girl — does it matter who says I love you first?

Hey everyone, it’s a new year. Did you notice?

Maybe you are one of those sprightly, chirpy folks who I read about on my Facebook feed as I lay in bed, squinting at my phone, willing myself to get out of bed. You know, the ones that are doing 5 mile runs at 5 am, running off to the gym before work, marveling over their new cold weather gear, and generally euphoric about their level of energy?

*yawn*

You know who you are.

Or, maybe you are like me. One of us who trudge through winter by oversleeping, fantasizing about warm weather, and getting by on a diet of coffee and beer. Yes, some of us see January as a cruel reminder that the holidays are over, snow is on its way, and WORSE,….

………………………another birthday looms on the calendar.

In my 30-something camp, birthday dread seems to be echoing all over the place (besides the cavern inside my own head).  I think it’s partly the reality of the New Year settling in for people. And that giant gong of reality is that much louder for those of us with birthdays early in the year.

What’s interesting? Of the friends that come to mind (all of whom are staring down birthdays in their mid-30s), the stage of life doesn’t seem to matter. I have married friends fretting about the timeline to have a baby. Coupled friends worrying over the timeline for getting engaged. And of course, single friends worrying about finding a partner before “time runs out.”

Why oh why do we put ourselves on a stop watch? Where does this come from?

I certainly can’t tackle every one of the fears that goes into these “anxiety clocks” but let me address the one that is most familiar to me –the “time is running out to find love” clock that plagues many single 30-something women.

As it turns out, I am not single but I know a thing or two about it…. So, right now I am stretching myself as tall as possible in my big-girl shoes, hands on hips, and using my best big-sister voice (that still only makes me about 5′3″). ……..Ready?

“You are still YOUNG and there is no deadline.”

Sit down. I’m not done yet. Let’s go through some of the age-fearing obstacles (or presumed obstacles) that I have been hearing from friends lately. I’d like to debunk them one by one..

Obstacle #1: I’ll Run out of Time to Have Kids

Firstly, you’re SURE you want kids, right? I’m just asking, cause we’re all susceptible to chasing after things we’re told we may not be able to have. Ok, ok, you do want kids. Well, let me remind you (and myself) that your biological clock is not the only act in town. It’s just not.

1. For one, there are oodles of treatments now that can prolong fertility well into the 40s. Don’t make me name them. That’s what Google is for.

2. I just met a couple in their 40s who couldn’t conceive and got donor eggs and sperm implanted. The wife is now having twins. She is carrying them but, genetically, they are not hers or her husbands. This is crazy sci-fi stuff but we’re living it now. In fact, it’s big business and it’s getting cheaper.

3. Adoption.

4. You may well meet a man who already has kids (widowed or divorced) and THEN you could be a part-time mom. Divorced moms, please don’t kill me but, is this not sorta genius? I mean if can’t decide to have a kid or not, why not get in on some part-time kid raising action?! Hey, it’s a LOT less responsibility and you get to become the evil archetype of step-mom (but seriously, I do find this sort of appealing, is it just me?)

Obstacle #2: Being Single is “Brutal”

This phrase is plucked straight from a recent email from a friend who described herself as “brutally single.”

Little sister, it is time to change your language and pronto! There is nothing brutal or even really “single” about you. I don’t say that to dismiss your loneliness but to change the way you perceive yourself. Because, honey, there are plenty of committed gals who would LOVE the kind of action that single girls like you get. The variety, the dinners out, the late nights, the exciting sex (if you choose to partake, let’s face it, the offers are there). I know that the frivolities of dating are no match for the warm security of a long-term relationship but, let’s not be so quick to overlook the perks, mm-kay?

Obstacle #3: I’m Unlovable.

Again, this is your brain leading you REALLY far astray. Get tough on that brain and make it fall in line, dammit!

You’ve already BEEN “loved like that.” And more than once . Love is not a “stop” button. You don’t find it and then coast into the sunset. Love comes in and out of your life –sometimes with the same person, sometimes with different people. You’ve had it. You will have it again. You already know that you are loveable. It’s already been proven.

Yes, a partnership brings enormous wealth and stability in your life. You’ve had some of that too, and certainly even more was offered to you. Maybe you weren’t always ready —whether that was your stage of life or the person IN your life. Either way, those opportunities will present themselves to you again. And you will appreciate it when you find it, just like I did. Going on your own awhile will help you value it when you choose to align your life with someone else’s –and take all the risks associated with intertwining your fates.

Obstacle #4: It will take “forever” to find love.

It won’t take forever but it might take a long time. Or it might happen on Tuesday. Love is not common. It sure isn’t. And there are a LOT of near misses out there which make it even harder to find the gems. But the gems are there and you get better at identifying them with age (usually!). You can’t predict when you’ll find it. You just have to keep looking. Make your search for love a big priority. Just make sure its not the only priority or you’ll be pinning your happiness to something that you cannot control. Just like once you HAVE a relationship, you need to balance it with other things because love does not dictate your happiness. It just compliments it.

There is no deadline for finding love. And there is no one person who fulfills it. Remove these two pressure-cooking ideas from your mind and the resulting relief you’ll feel is staggering. When you’re ready to cohabitate/marry/procreate, finding the right kind of person as your co-pilot is worth the wait. It’s so much better than fitting a square peg into a round hole just to beat your biological clock.

Wouldn’t you prefer to wait as long as it takes to find a deep, committed, complex, exciting, and challenging partner and go through whatever steps necessary to become parents rather than find someone now that will give you children but always cause you that wiggly little doubt?

Find the person who you want to be by your side at the end of a really crappy day when you shut all the doors and switch off the lights. The rest, as they say, will follow.

Meantime, enjoy all the other many things life has to offer –work, future planning, friends, travel, dating, and the occasional fling –so many other sources of love. You will thank yourself later when your husband is watching football and you are paging through the newest In Touch magazine Trust me.

Ok, so full disclosure: Neither Jess nor myself are married.  However…we do have over 20+ years of combined serious relationship experience (yes, we are serial monogamists), so when we got asked to write about romance for those in a relationship after our seduction article got people talking, we said “hell yeah!” and here we are today.

The dirty secret of relationships is that they are WORK.  And after communication, romance seems to be the thing that requires the most conscious effort in our opinion. Soooo…that is the first thing. Romance takes work on BOTH sides.  However, it doesn’t have to be a LOT of work.  In fact, with a few ideas/mechanisms in place, romance can happen fairly easily.

For Him:

1. Read our article on seduction and follow it!

2. Women want to feel noticed, beautiful, and appreciated. We want to feel this way through gifts, words, touches, or looks — and THEN we will get turned on. We’ve said it before and we will say it again: You must start the fire to feel the heat.  Follow our formula and you will get laid.  So — ideas that might work (you know her best, so use your judgment):

a. Bring home a single rose (gift), tell her you were thinking about her (words) and you wanted to give her something beautiful, and give her a long sexy kiss.  Not a peck, a deep and loving kiss.  And then tell her she is beautiful while looking into her eyes (look).  Then relax and walk away (no pressure this way) — you have laid the foundation for later that night!

b. Send her a flirty text (words) during the day.  The same type of text that you might send early in the relationship. Examples: “Thinking of how sexy/beautiful/gorgeous you looked this morning.”  “Can’t wait to kiss you tonight.” “Thinking about taking off what you are wearing right now” etc etc. You get the idea!

c. Come home and cook a surprise nice dinner (gift!), as you pour her a glass of wine give her a deep kiss (touch!) and maybe run your hands suggestively down her back (touch). Tell her you’ve been thinking about her all day (words) and then keep up light touches while you serve her dinner. This will get her excited, fired up, and ready to seduce you.  See?

d. When you walk into the room to meet her, or come home after work and she is already home, grab her into a deep hug (touch), dip her if you are adventurous, and kiss her (lips, face, neck, gentleman’s choice).  Then tell her you have missed her (words) and set her down.  Meaningful looks and touches for the rest of the evening should seal the deal!

For Her:

1. Guys need loving too – but they are slightly more visual/direct than we are.  Putting on lipstick, heels, or whatever you know he likes is always a good start (visual).

2. Send him a flirty text, but use imagery.  “Can’t wait to see you tonight — I’ll give you three guesses as to what I’m wearing.” “Just wanted to let you know that I’m wearing my red heels tonight…” “I want you. Now.”

3. Use your feminine wiles.  Come up behind him and kiss his neck, and then run your hands down his back while saying something suggestive (fill in the blank/see above suggestions). Or run your hands down his front .  Either way, he’ll feel the love (direct touch).

4. Be direct. Say exactly what you want from him, what you want to do to him, or what you want to do together. Do this in email, text, or out loud (whisper in a crowded restaurant before the bill comes, sneak up on him at the bar, or even at home etc).

Together:

1. Set a date night regularly (every week?) and stick to it. On date night focus on each other. Go out and have sexy conversation. Dress up if that is your thing.  Flirt, kiss, and build up some anticipation for what will happen later. But take this time for your relationship and focus on romance.

2. Be kind to each other. Little gifts like doing her laundry, cooking him dinner, sending a thoughtful small present (flowers? Chocolate? Peanut butter?) and notes reminding how much you love each other will help keep the romance alive when you are both in the mood. Heck, it will help KEEP you in the mood.

3. Respect each other, but especially with your words.  Jokes, play and other stuff is all fun.  But make sure that you temper your words – nothing turns a woman off more than being told she’s “put on some tire rubber” “looks a little plump” or just “looks fine.”  Alternatively, rubbing a man’s belly and asking to talk to Buddha is a great way to discourage sex from his end.

4. Finally, communicate! If he doesn’t know what you like (or what you don’t!) then how can he meet your expectations? Same for her — if he doesn’t seduce you/touch you/cuddle with you enough to light the fire, then tell him, but do so with curiousity and respect.  Instead of “Why do you always do this wrong?!!” try “I notice you like it this way, and I’m curious as to why — can you tell me?”

Couples – weigh in! What works for you?