Couch of Christie AND Jess: Boys Suck (and are Awesome)
17th May 2012 by Christie View CommentsSometimes Jess and I are on twitterverse. And sometimes, just on email. And on those forms of crazy virtual communication, many comments, critiques, and judgments pass our way about boys. Men. Dudes. “Those guys” and “That tall drink of water over there, no, your other left. DON’T TURN AROUND!”
It’s true, even now we are like 5 years old.
ANYway….moving on. Today, I invited Jess to my couch for a chat about boys.
Recently it has come to my attention, via an email from the husband of one of my people, that men do, in fact, suck. He said, IN WRITING, that it took 10 years of daily training by his “insanely beautiful and sensitive” wife (yes, points!) to get him to not be a douche on a regular basis. He pointed out that without her he’d be lost, and he said that he knows it sucks to be a single girl when other untrained men are all that is out there in the wild.
So, we are here to discuss that. I move that it is time to TRY MEN AND PASS JUDGMENT. Jess has valiantly offered to defend them. Yes, we are wearing our hats of evil (pillbox, with netting) and our monocle of judgement (sparkly). Men, you may approach the bench. It’s about to get real.
Arguing for the Defense: Jess.
Arguing for the Prosecution: Christie.
GO!
Prosecution: Ok, so — while men may have awesome bodies and strong muscles and the ability to pick us up physically without grunting…we’d like to argue that it is all a facade meant to distract us. The first reason that men suck: They are emotionally stunted. STUNTED!! A 24 year old women is like the emotional equivalent of a 30+ year old man. Catch up men! COME ON!
Defense: Men are good at balancing work and play. They put in a grueling week at the office then join the boys at the summer shore house on the weekend (where beer funnels may or may not happen). They keep us young. And some of them are really good at math. Just saying.
Prosecution: Reason number 2 – THEY DON’T COMMUNICATE. There are a very small number of outstanding men who communicate and can string together a sentence that also expresses their feelings. The Senor and Smoove Salsero are two that come to mind. But most men? They won’t even tell you what they had for lunch, much less what they are actually thinking or why. Don’t you ever get tired of having to ask? It’s like pulling teeth. We all learned how to talk in kindergarten. It’s time to put that great crayola work to good use.
Defense: Boys are good at getting to the point and stripping emotion from fact. Case in point? As a child, when I got in trouble with my mom, she’d hold a grudge forever. She’d keep bringing it back up with renewed irritation and she was sure my misbehavior was a personal attack. My dad? My dad would sit me down and say, “Here’s what you did wrong. Here’s how you will be punished.” Fifteen minutes later, he would have a perfectly pleasant conversation with me over the dinner table. No, it’s not the same as speaking from the heart or penning poems but “straight talk” does have a place of value.
Prosecution: Boys don’t have children! Whatever you may say, prostate exams do not equal the pain of labor. Nor does turning your head and coughing. Boys, for not having to experience the most excruciating pain in the world, you suck. Also, you don’t have to get your periods. We just want to mention.
Defense: Ill-timed erections? Balding? Kidney stones? Am I grasping at straws?
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury: Where do you stand? Did Christie pull it out? Was Jess’s monocle slightly more sparkly? Did either of them actually make any sense at all? NOW IS THE TIME FOR YOUR VERDICT!
View Comments





