Is it me or does it seem like, in new relationships, that couples settle into one household and establish that as the homebase? Rather than splitting time by going back and forth, there is some subconscious assessment of location, pets, roommates, cable tv packages, work issues, etc, and it always seem that one house wins out over the other.

Having a relationship base of operations does have perks. You can stockpile your favorite foods, host parties together, establish local hangouts, etc.

However.

One of you has to lug around the overnight bag and if its you, you’ve got clothes, shoes, make-up, and toiletries that must come with you. If you’re like many a citygirl who doesn’t drive to work, this means carrying around a large extra bag to the office so that everyone knows your business. Think you can downsize your bag shackle? I don’t think so. Anyone who’s showered in a man’s bathroom without her own toiletries knows how deeply unsettling it is to walk out smelling of Cool Water and Head and Shoulders.

But quite like purchasing real estate on the East Coast, space comes at a premium. And for many men, giving you a piece of their apartment is to compromise the sacred borders of their sovereign land. You see a small space needed for your Secret deodorant. They see —piss on their territory.

One of the many bumps along the harrowing journey that is commitment, setting up camp at a dude’s house is a delicate matter. So what to do?

Stealth mode

This happened to me once when it was my house that was the established home base. My new boyfriend slept over and I stayed in bed when he got up early to go to work. Later, once he was gone and I entered the bathroom to begin my own beauty routine, I came upon a startling sight. An unknown toothbrush in my toothbrush holder. HIS toothbrush. Uh huh.

Passive Aggressive

Some women choose to wait it out and hope that the man gets the hint when he sees her lugging bag after bag in and out of his home. Or perhaps when he hears her cursing about having left something behind, not being able to find something, or something not being clean. If you subscribe to the theory that men should be the ones driving toward commitment (see: The Rules), this may the way to go.  Or, come to think of it, The Rules probably has a more severe approach to it but I don’t own the book so you’ll have to tell me.

The Nonchalant

Sometimes the best way to diffuse a situation that is overly steeped in meaning, is to treat it for what it REALLY is: a very practical matter. After you’ve been staying at a guy’s house for several weeks, there is nothing strange about saying, “Hey, I left my toiletry bag on the shelf in the bathroom so I don’t have to drag it back and forth next time.” Most times, I think a guy recognizes the practicality of that. And if you’re low key about it and they don’t sense that this is some Hallmark level milestone of coupledom, they’ll be low key about it too.

Several of my friends and I have been wondering about “the talk” and when it should happen.  I’ve been hearing a lot of conflicting reports (no need to talk, talk around date six, talk when you start spending “evening time” with said other person, and finally–avoid the talk at all costs and focus only on reading minds!) about when “the talk” should occur and what that means for the relationship.

Tall Drink approached the talk from two directions: Early on in our dating, he made it clear that he wasn’t going to date anyone else (though he wasn’t asking that of me, just stating that was what HE was going to do), and then, after a few months of dating (and strict avoidance by me of having any sort of talk.  I am the SingleGirl after all and therefore it’s obvious I’ve got commitment issues) he very cutely wondered if he was allowed to call himself my “acting boyfriend, interim boyfriend, or boyfriend apparent.”  As a woman who shies away from the commitment discussion–much like Britney shies away from singing live at her concerts–I was touched by how he used humor to make me laugh and realized he’s worth keeping around….and he deserved SOME sort of title and recognition in my life….

So, fellow citygirls, I have the honor to introduce my current Gentleman Caller and Main Squeeze: Tall Drink (of Water!)

In dating, everyone has some sort of list in their head. The “must haves” and the “would-be-nice” items. For example, a Bachelor’s degree is an essential for me. A pilot’s license, though unexpected, would make me weak in the knees.

But whenever I’ve constructed a detailed idea of what I want and need, the next person I fall for is usually a surprise. For awhile I was convinced I needed a guy that was dark, handsome, worldly, and goofy. And sure enough I ended up falling for a blonde haired, blue eyed, boy next door who was quiet and serious. Go figure. What I’ve learned along the way is that the thing I’m after is a feeling. The list items might give me an idea of where I am more likely to find it, but in reality it’s nearly impossible to predict where and when that spark will appear.

Unless maybe you’re a matchmaker and have killer instincts? Matchmaker Samantha Daniels talks about the spark and suggests that if you find 85% of your list it’s actually a homerun……

Here’s what I know… “Must-haves” go out the window when you like someone

Did you ever notice that as soon as you “like like” someone, all those “must-haves”, those characteristics that you absolutely thought you needed in a life partner get rationalized away?