Ask Jess: Insecurity Council
9th March 2010 by Jess No CommentsWe’ve all been in those relationships, I think, where no matter what the other person says, no matter how much evidence we have of their love for us, we just can’t quite trust it. Let’s face it, no good relationship comes without risk. If you’re not terrified that your love will one day drop you stone cold and leave you with a bleeding, oozing heart of pain, well then maybe you’re not in love!
Usually (unfortunately), there seems to be some degree of a power imbalance such that one person is feeling more secure than the other. In most cases, this inequity is obvious to both parties but in some cases a little bravado can mask a world of underconfidence.
For all the chatter we make about letting guards down, being vulnerable, and taking our walls down —no one wants to expose themselves only to find that they are the only one with their pants down. Embarassing!
To show you what I mean, here are some examples torn right from the pages of the dating battlefield.
Case 1: A friend of mine met an amazing guy (online! seriously!) who was a law student at one of the Ivys. Not just smart and successful, the dude was really good looking. She was instantly smitten and nervous as hell. Their first few dates were magical. She quickly realized that he was nervous too. He mentioned that he didn’t know why a girl like her would choose him. How sweet! How endearing! ……….Until a few months later, when his constantly voiced insecurities started to take their toll. Although she’d tried to convince him of how great he was, he spoke so frequently of his own shortcomings that, over time, she started to see him the way he portrayed himself —as a person of low value.
Case 2: Another friend got involved in what I think of as a game of emotional chicken. She was so intent upon hiding her vulnerabilities with her new boyfriend, that she actually portrayed herself as cold and disinterested. The boyfriend, seemingly did the same. She feared that her insecurities must be transparent but underestimated her skills at faking it until you make it. One night after a few drinks, the boyfriend expressed his own insecurities about her feelings and with that, the two were able to fess up and find that they were emotionally on the same page, almost in spite of themselves.
So how do you resolve your insecurities about your partner, rational or not? How do you let them inside to see the softer, weaker you without the risk that they will run for the hills?
You can’t eliminate risk in relationships. As I said before, its inherent. If you can’t accept that, you may do better in another arena, like say, priesthood. But you can and should be vulnerable with your partner —-in bits and pieces. Borrowing from The Senor’s piece about Dirty Talk (who knew that topic would be so transferrable?!), you can try the Ladder Approach. You reveal yourself, your fears, your worries, your inner frightened kitten in small infrequent doses.
Balance is everything in relationships and its far easier said than done. With the Ladder Approach, test the waters in small increments and keep tabs on whose sharing what. If you and your partner can swap fears and worries at a more or less equal rate, then you’re in good shape. If one of you is doing all the worrying and the other doing all the reassuring, it may be time to re-evaluate and recalibrate…






